PowderfingerSenior Contributor
Feeling ashamed, confused, hurt and actually crazy
I was going to post this in the LGBTQ section but changed my mind. I was in a relationship with a woman recently for a short time. I ended it yesterday. All day I've been sitting at home, feeling lost, confused and unable to trust myself.
I don't know what to believe or think. The lead up to me ending it was O don't even know words. She constantly told me how deeply in love with me she was. However, I was being so controlled and even when I pointed it out I was being told that it was rubbish. Also at times the person would admit they were controlling and needed to work on it.
There was also jealousy. I'm a non binary person. I've only ever been interested in women. Yet she was convinced I'd sleep with men and women. I was told by her that if other women looked at me she wouldn't like it. I.neber his anything from her or lied. Yet, she was eventually succeeding at making me question myself. Like if I had looked at someone the wrong way or said something wrong. I was too scared to talk to anyone because I was afraid she would accuse me of things I wasn't doing and there would be a fight. For a while I was compassionate and understanding, showing love and reassurance but it would always end up in an argument and me needing space. Nothing I did it said made it any better.
I had her ex after me because he did not know who she was seeing. He didn't like that he didn't know who I was. Threatened to go to child services as his daughter was not safe. I hadn't done anything. Wasn't even involved in the child's life. It wasn't my job to parent their child. Accused me through her that I was going to mess up her life. I'd never even met him. I asked permission to lay boundaries with him about his behaviour in invading my privacy and making false accusations. I wasn't allowed.
I was told when to speak to her daughter and when not to. She would cause me hurt if I tried to do anything positive to protect myself because in her world I was hurting her so she would hurt me badly in order to stop me.
I was told I better make enough money if we were ever to be together so that it would pay the bills and so on.
In all this, if I tried to talk about how I was feeling, I was either invalidated, told I was too much for her if I cried, that she didn't need this in her life, then come back the next day as if nothing bad happened and I was bad for holding onto it.
I don't know why I fell in love with her. All I know is I did. I don't have answers as to why. I need time to work out those answers for myself.
I feel ashamed because I know what DV is, I know very well and I got sucked in again.
Yesterday when I ended it, I was having an actual breakdown and hyperventilating. She wanted to take me somewhere and I said no take me home. I had a feeling that if I went where she wanted to take me something really bad was going to happen to me because it was a desolate spot.
I was hyperventilating and crying. She was asking me why I was crying but at the same time playing music on the car stereo really loud but not just one song at a time, like 20 different songs in a matter of five minutes really loud but not letting them finish.
It was causing me to become more distressed. All the while acting completely normal. Them she would ask me do I need to take you to hospital or somewhere you can get some help.
I've completely blocked her from contacting me. I don't want to be in a relationship with her. I'm not in love. I actually was in danger.
It was hard because she made out like she cared about me and was in love with me. At times doing everything that a person would do when they are in love with someone.
My head is an absolute mess. I feel so ashamed in myself because I'm an intelligent and smart person. It's scary because this is a small town. Im trying to keep myself safe.
This is only just a small bit of things that happened and this was only in a space of five weeks.
I'm not going back. I feel so hurt and betrayed. It's hard to believe someone can do these things, especially when youve been vulnerable and told them things about your life. I feel sick, shock, like I have nowhere to turn and no one would believe this level of crazy.
Please don't suggest counselling or to call anyone, at this stage I just needed to get this out. I have video cameras at home so if anything occurs there will.be footage.
I don't even know what is happening to me and O do feel like the crazy one. I really do.
