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Can't the theraputic letter that really went wrong, be the one event, that I don't have to forgive?
Hi,
The passing of my dad last April , has my psychologist wanting to talk about dad and conflicting events that has stopped me from grieving. She means 'the suggested theraputic letter that really went wrong.. Noo I said, I'm over it, 'Noo'she said.'you are not. Many years ago, one of the ways suggested by a refuge counsellor , was to write a letter to dad and mum using the ' I feel' non threatening, way to express my feelings of feeling abandoned at a time of need.. I was encouraged so I gave it a go. . After leaving a bad relationship, my parents said I could stay with them. I had a 15 month old. I stayed at my sisters place in case my ex showed up at mum and dads. The day before going to their house, dad rang. He said are you sitting down? I said yes he said' your mum and i think that the best help you could get would be professional help, a lady will ring you and then we will take you to a safe house. My mum was bawling her eyes out in the background.' Dont hate dont hate us' Crocodile tears.. They did the same to my older sister years before this when she was put in a refuge 3 hours away and had two kids under 4. So anyway, I recieved a letter a week later. I sat down with a box of tissues, on my own and got ready to read a letter in hopes of connecting a little. I opened it up and it was my letter sent back. It had red marker pen all over it and words of mine were crossed and changed. Dad had edited my letter. Words like : abandoned was now replaced with his word delusional, hurt was lies, unloving was unbelievable bull shit, intimidating was psychopathic . It went on and on. On the back he wrote : my evaluation of a ungrateful daughter- you are a cancer. Did you ever go without food? Hah look at the size of you now. Disgusting. We did everything for you, and now the thanks we get is a Dear daddy, I' m going to blame every little f$ck up in my life on my parents. Like that's original. Girl, you need to stop hallucinating and making up shit. You and .. ( my oldest sister ) . Obviously arranging both of you help and arranging safe houses to take you in when both of you failed in relationships ( no surprise there) did not make you stand on your own two feet. Be more like ( middle sister ) . I am disgusted. I dishone you and your bastard child. Don't talk to me ever again. I wash my hands of you. May you rot in hell. No longer dad.
I tried to be the better person but truthfully this was the almighty kick in the guts. Hurt for the first time, was actually physically felt in my heart. My mother's letter was fake and made her out to be a serious victim.'I'm crying as I write this'she said..my mother's tears would of been a result of reading her own sob story. I really thought this was dealt with years of allowing myself to be angry, allowing forgiveness, allowing emotions etc.Did not speak for a year. They told my sisters that I would have to beg for forgiveness. I forgave both of them. It didn't feel right, but I was desperate to move on. The days after the letters, I literally felt that my body and brain slammed me quickly and turned off physical feelng and emotion. This was years before my Bi Polar diagnosis. I think my psych said shock, trauma. No apologies from them.I think they actually said this is a lesson to be learnt. by me, not them. This is by far though, a real exmple of how he handles things.PTSD, can not excuse this one. His edited letter proves he was looking for the most destructive way that would create a new pain that I had never been felt from previous shock treatment from him. He succeeded. Can I just allow this memory to be that one that i can say" Yes you have every right to feel pissed off!?. I feel if I am allowed this, then maybe I could grieve. Cheers.
