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Not knowing how to feel...
I remember seeing a video from a girl talking about how she was in the emergency room for suicidal thoughts. She talked about her experiences, including seeing a pair of counselors while she was there.
She said that after being released, she deteriorated again, and ended up in hospital a second time. She said that she was ashamed, because of the amount of work everyone around her had done to keep her safe.
Apparently she saw the exact same counselors she did last time, and they said "that's exactly our job. If you need help a second time, we'll be there a second time."
I can't find the video, which is a tad frustrating. I might start making a playlist of them.
Since I was in hospital, my mood has gotten better, but I am recognising tiny steps back into those negative thinking patterns.
Of course, whatever's bothering you hasn't happened overnight, and so it's not going to go away overnight. However, the thought of feeling that way again is a bit intimidating.
As I said, I regretted what I did, and I expressed that to people. I realised that RELATIVELY speaking, my life wasn't bad. I literally used the words "lucky to be alive."
It just feels like it doesn't make sense to go from being grateful to being broken and potentially self-harming again... so I am going to be very embarrassed if and when I'm there again.
I can't think of a clear question 😂. Thoughts?
