Grief and Loss

Hugs my sister xoxo @Emelia8 🥰❤

Not in a position to participate here at present @cloudcore but hope it is a space others can find some support.

Hello , @cloudcore

and

@Lani, @Appleblossom , @Shaz51 , @BlueBay , @Zoe7

Thank you for the tag and sentiments about and around the issue of grief, @cloudcore

Since my Mum passed away July two years ago, I believe that I have worked through much of the process. I would think that I went through much the same situation in which @Shaz51 describes herself as being at the present time. I had somewhat different circumstances, but I would say that the effects and pressures would possibly have been similar.

During the last six months of this year, I have returned to the residential aged care community where Mum was for her last 3 years after living with me for the previous 7 years. I now join a singing group that meets with the residents for group singing in the late morning, once a week. However, it took me nearly two years for that to come about.

The time that I had with Mum was, what I refer to as, a pleasure and a privilege. Sure we had our ups and downs, but a lot of difficulties were sorted out by negotiation. There were things that I would have liked for both of us, such as a bit more simple physical exercise, like walking. But Mum put down the paper on her lap and said "Henry, I'm quite content where I am." It was a matter for me, of not just hearing what Mum was saying, but listening and attending to her wishes.

We did get away for occasional weekends to a place near the ocean. And I had a few things that I could do to keep me occupied and not just stagnating, but I think, physically, that I probably went backward somewhat. However, that was a small investment on my part to see that Mum was cared for and had company most of the time. Even when Mum was in residential care for those 3 years, I visited her each day. Toward the end it was me reading a series of books, which were semi-biographical, by a medical specialist, of his experiences before, during, and after the 2nd WW. Mum was alert enough to respond to various aspects of what I was reading. Even till quite close to her passing, she could remember the names of visiting children, of staff members. Mum simply faded away.

@Lani , Like you, I felt guilt about various aspects of our time together, and anger about what I perceived to be ineptitude and lack of care on the part of carers.

However, I have now come to a place where, as I said at Mum's funeral,

"Now I can talk with Mum wherever I am."

.......... " ..........

"

With My Solicitude, Care and Concern

and the hope that the

Christmas and New Year

will be

Special In Some Way For All

@HenryX

@HenryX @Zoe7 @Shaz51 @BlueBay @cloudcore

I don't think there is any way to "cope" after losing a loved one. We need to be in that "grief-space" first and let time pass. We do what we must to care for ourselves and perhaps others around us and it it a very hard time - and time passes

Then we start to gather our resources and go on and for every death I have experienced I know the path is different and I can on say - care for yourself, eat as well as possible, get rest and give yourself a break -

As I was told once - if we have a heart attack we are in hospital and no one asks anything of us but the pain of a significant loss is different and we have no outside wounds to show - so we have to care for that ourselves mostly

I have lost 3 grandparents, both my parents, an uncle and an aunt, two cousins and the hardest of all - my son to suicide. Everything was different. I guess after my grandparents died I got myself together and went on after the funeral - my parents were harder - I was close to Dad and still feel him in my DNA for I resembled him. My mother was harder because I wasn't close - I had to see a therapist - time passes. My other relations - different again but my son - 35 years has eased his loss - after all - he was a troubled soul and who wants their child to suffer so much. But I still have my moments

So how do we cope? What does that mean? I looked up that word "cope" once and it means to deal competently with a situation. How does one deal with death in a "competent" manner? We can't really - we can only go on. Seek medical help if necessary and remember other people will deal with this loss differently

And it is hard - and letting time pass is hard. I really understand this

Dec

Thanks for tag @cloudcore

Grief is huge for me this time of year.

Living grief of my daughter, sister and extended family and anything resembling "normal" celebration of all the things that are meant to be Christmas.

Living grief in coming to terms with the damage our isolation has caused my son.

Real grief and Anniversaries of my mother and other sister.

Grief for me for all the lost years.

Its hard for me, with past and present, and living and dying all jumbled into a big mess.

Turning a page.

Celebrate my survival despite the odds.

Dont settle for people who like abusing my goodwill or personality.

Speak up, but I do tend to settle too easily.

Hope we get through with some sense of self respect and sense of future opening up.