Help

What the fu*k is wrong with me? Seriously. There is something wrong with you. You didn't stop it. Again. You didn't say anything. Again. You did nothing. You did not do a single thing. How many times did you do this. Just let them come on in and climb into your bed. You didn't stop anything. How many times did it happen? How many faces? Why didn't i ever do anythinf to stop it. What is wrong with me. What is wrong with me? Why. It's almost getting to a point where I don't even believe myself. I can't have been this fu*king useless. I can't have been. I was. I am. I let it happen. I didn't stop it. I never stopped it. Why am i thus useless. Just fu*king say it. You fu*king wanted it didn't you. That's it isn't it. You piece of garbage. That's it. People fight, people stop, people don't just let things like this hsppen to them. Why am i like this. How can i be like this. Did i ask for this. Maybe i did. I didnt mean to. I didn't ask for it. I always get the creeps whenever i see you in my head, now i remember why. Now i see it in my head and i feel it in my body. I could have stopped you. Older but not bigger. Provably not any stronger either. That's just. Pathetic. Useless. You myst have wanted it then. Didn't you. Must have. So fu*king screwed up. So fu*king screwed yp beyond repair. I see him. Older but not stronger. I see him. I don't. I don't want this. I don't need this. I don't want this. I can't be this useless. I am. Insane. This is what it feels like. Insane. Losing my mind. I wouldn't believe me.

Oh @saltandpepper

You were an innocent child, a victim. You asked for none of what happened. You were taken advantage of in the most heinous of ways, countless times. No one protected you, looked out for you. You were a victim. Please day that out loud and keep doing so to eventually hear and believe it.

I was a victim

I am so sorry @saltandpepper, my heart breaks each time you suffer 💔

I don't feel that way @Anastasia i know im not supposed to feel like this but i do. I didn't stop it. I didnt try. It wasn't the only time. He wasn't the only one. And maybe there's more that id lont remember. And physically. My body responds to it. Its sick and confusing. Im screwed up.

I have to get out of bed, function, be a dad. It almost feels impossible

Hi @saltandpepper

Did you get some sleep?

I'm sad for you.

It was not your fault.

I hear you @saltandpepper

You were "programmed" to think that. Told not to tell, or if...

None of it makes sense to your adult brain...

You were a victim.

Ok. So today you need to be a Dad, you can do that. Your boy needs you.

What's for breakfast? I've brought coffee ☕☕

Holding your hand, go give him a hug 🤗

Got sleep @frog was not pleasant though.

Promised him pancakes for breakfast today, knew I'd regret saying that. It brings me a lot of comfort thinking of you by my side @Anastasia i wish it were real

Pancakes yum, you are a gem @saltandpepper

I'm there with you. Smiling coz pancakes make your boy happy. Enjoy this time with him hun, they grow up quickly. I'll be there in spirit for the day, hoping you can get out in the sun and switch your thoughts to now, today with your gorgeous precious boy that has stars in his eyes when he looks at you 💙

I love you my friend, you are remarkable in my eyes, I have stars too 🙏

I feel sick @Anastasia

I'm sorry @saltandpepper

I'm not at all surprised 😔💔