what is wrong with me?

I have recently been going through a break up. Six months in and i still cant return to work. my whole world has smashed into a million pieces.

The relationship was never smooth sailing and i am begining to wonder if what i thought ws a small issue with depression and anxiety is actually something on a bigger scale.

The more i read the more i am starting to think i may have BPD.

I am always completely irrational, my x always told me i was delusional on a regular basis and swears things never happened that i was sure of.

I am impulsive, it has ruined my life. I have an uncontrolable desire to act in the moment and it always hurts me in the long run.

I cant seem to just let my x be happy and have done so many horrible things to get his attention. i know its horrible but for a micro second i feel better and keep doing it.

he kept asking me to change and i couldnt recognise that i had anything to change. but now i am so worried about this behaviour. it went on for 5 years of our relationshipandi always blamed him but now iknow its me.

what do i do?