Regrets

Within a sea of regrets there is 1 that will always stand out amongst the rest. I know I self destructed our friendship, I know it was my fault. I was a different person back then. Anger controlled me and everything I did and said. I didn't have a healthy understanding of emotions and feelings or how to deal with them. I'm working on it. I'm learning. It's a long process though.

You were my family, my friend, my best friend, you breathed life into me just by being you. You and your family showed me love, kindness, things that I didn't have in my own home. I really looked to you all as my second family, the family I wished I'd had, the family I loved. I miss you all, terribly. Yes, I loved you, I did. Maybe I still do. Maybe a part of me always will. But it's been a long time and I still haven't figured out what you meant to me, or what you still mean to me. I know it hurts when I think of you, or dream about you. Pushing you out of my life is the biggest regret I have, biggest mistake I've ever made.

I can't remember exactly when our friendship fell apart, I know we had a lot of fights before it ended, and it dragged on a while. But I can't place the moment where I lost you. I know I said a lot of shit, I know it probably hurt, and I'm sorry for that. Maybe what I said was warranted, but not the way I said it. I never did know how to express feelings or talk about them.

I know now how rare our friendship was, if that's all it was. I know whatever it was we shared was special, once in a life time kind of stuff. I miss everything about you and us. I miss it a lot. And the truth is I've never stopped thinking about you. I guess I can admit it now that my marriage is in the shi*ter. But, I'm not sure I ever let go of you, I know I didn't. I should have, and I tried. I got rid of everything that reminded me of you until it was like you never existed. Now that's another regret I have.

I've reached out to you over the years and I don't blame you for ignoring me. I don't blame you if you hate me and never want to hear from me again. Anything you feel would be justified. I wish I could tell you all this. I wish we could talk again. I wish I could see you again. I miss you, after all this time I still miss you. I will always miss you and I will always remember you and our friendship. You saved me without even meaning to. You meant everything to me. I loved you, I'm sorry I never said it. I'm sorry I hit self destruct instead of facing it. I'm sorry I pushed you away. I'm sorry for hurting you. I'm sorry I haven't been there for you. I'm sorry for all of it. I will always regret losing you. Always.