exhausted1994Contributor
I don't know what I'm doing anymore.
Hi all.
I'm 27 years old, with a diagnosis of dysthymia and I am an addict in recovery (two years clean).
I am struggling today more than other days, however most days are a struggle generally. I am pretty overwhelmed with uni stuff, and my relationship has been stressing me out as well. My partner is usually pretty good with every aspect of our relationship, however he has always fallen a little short in the attentiveness department and I resent him for it. I am down a lot, and constantly feel like a burden or need reassurance which I know must get pretty old for him. I try to be really open with how I feel all the time so that he might have a bit of insight (he seems to be a little bit ASD...) however he just kind of shrugs and goes back to what he was doing these days. I feel unsupported, unloved and a burden all the time. I work really hard to ensure I am doing everything I can to meet his needs - running the household, cooking, cleaning, caring for the animals, and when I explain that I feel unsupported I am met with comments about how he did 'this many chores' today (because I asked him to).
I have also had some issues with my mother, she appears to have some rather..... Narcissistic... Traits that come out when she is feeling slighted or I show any sign of being down or struggling. Growing up in this household meant that my emotional regulation is terrible, and I constantly subject myself to her outbursts and whims because I have the constant urge to feel love and wantedness.
I also have my history of addiction, which has led to many issues including very addict behaviours (ovewhelming myself, overeating, oversharing, neediness) and also flashbacks and late processing of traumatic events that happened while I was using drugs and alcohol.
I tend to go through cycles where for a while I will feel relatively normal and be able to function as a member of society, and then I become reclusive, isolated, angry and anxious and don't leave the house, often at the detriment of both my work and my studies. The cycle feels exhausting, and I'm sure my partner suffers as a result of my mood swings and behaviours.
I have been working with a new psychologist lately, we have been looking at some of m negative behaviours, finding the root cause and working through them so that maybe one day I can operate like a normal person instead of a traumatised one. Until then, I have no idea how I am going to maintain a network of people who support me because I consider myself to be so insufferable that I don't know how anybody sticks around. In particular, those closest to me are the ones I feel most emotional about and towards, and I am most likely to turn on when I am feeling negative or unsure about life.
I feel marginally better after writing this post. I never feel as though I can get all my feelings and emotions out to people as I struggle to voice things out loud. I crave some kind of magical diagnosis that will make it easier to fix all these things that are wrong with me, or the power to see myself through outside eyes without becoming defensive, but my power struggle within myself is unbearable and the thought of being weak to other people controls my life.
Thanks guys for reading, and I forgive you if you dont have time to read this.
Exhausted.
