I need help.. PLEASE

I don't even know where to start n bcos I am on my phone this is hard to write as my eyesight is going. I don't even know where to begin so will just say how I feel right now. After locking myself in my room last night because I was feeling scared, then having as usual the most realistic terrifying nightmares (not med induced as I have suffered from this all my life) I woke up and have just been huddled in my corner crying. I have been unable to do pretty much anything for such a long time n r now stuck in my house terrified to leave due to anxiety. I have far too many issues to write about at the moment as I find it hard to see my phone n my computer is being repaired. I hate to even admit this as it's disgusting but I haven't even been able to shower in well over a week. I don't know why it's so hard I just don't have the energy to do anything at all. I feel more connected with the spirit world than my life. I am not living, I am surviving barely. And tht is only bcos of my kids n family. I was suicidal for most of last year in n out of hospital. I don't focus on tht constantly anymore as I promised my daughter so in tht aspect I have no choice but to keep existing. I have zero motivation to move. I have so many health issues it's pathetic n I see no future for myself except this existing until the end. I have been broken hearted most of my life n only just today really accepted my last relationship is no longer there. It hasn't been in reality for a little while but I could not accept tht fact. I was cheated on by the narcissistic man I had let myself fall in love with. This is a huge deal to me as he's been the first person I let myself feel this way with after being hurt so traumatically over 36 yrs by the love of my life. I don't know wht to do anymore I cannot n don't want to keep just existing for the sake of others yet I promised. I am good at helping others n this is the only thing tht helps me feel worthy of anything. But I need to listen to my own words n I just aren't able to. I don't know whether it's bcos it's too hard, or bcos I really don't want to b here. Either way I am stuck in my sad corner alone. No one understands me. I talk to the souls of all those I have lost daily n honestly feel more connected to that world than this. What do I do?? I have been getting all the help avail but I still just do not have the will to help me, even when I actually want to, I don't have the energy. Sorry for this rambling. I am just so lost n so so desperate...