Desperation

An outsider to my own life. No understanding of my past, present, no sense of a future. Lost, always. Alone, always.

The desperation I'm feeling is reaching a critical level. Turning from a want to a need. Needing to quieten the noise, needing to dial back the intensity of my feelings, needing stillness, quiet. Needing it to all stop.

Stuck in a constant cycle of misery that I keep inflicting on myself. I'm the one standing in the way, I'm the one making the choice to choose nothing, I'm the one that won't make the choice to fight.

I want it to stop. Anything to make it stop. And I'm going over it in my head. Going through the options. But anxiety is getting in the way.

I don't see a light at the end of the tunnel. I don't see hope, a future, a versionnof myself that's more than this. Existing is not living. But all I can manage is this. I want more. I want to be someone I'm not. But this is all there is to me. This is all i can manage to be.

There's too much to deal with. If i could leave it all in the past maybe i could find a way to function now and work towards a future where I'm free to live a normal life. But it doesn't feel possible.

I'm scrambling for ways to dull the pain, ways to scrape through the day, ways to survive. I'm tired of surviving. I'm tired of existing.

I'm tired of not mattering. I've never mattered to anyone. Never been important enough, never been good enough, never been worth while. I tell myself i matter to people but its a lie. The truth keeps shining through time and time again. And it hurts. But maybe I'm not good enough to matter. Maybe i want things i don't deserve.

It took so mych to ask for help, to say i was drowning, and what for? To be slapped in the face with yet another reminder that I don't really matter.

eveyrhing is pointless. I am pointless. I have always been pointless. I wish i had the strength inside of me to want more for myself, to shake off the thingd that keep holding me back, but I'm not that strong. Never have been.

There's too many wounds, too much damage, too much regret, too much anger, it's always there, all the time.

stuck in this shit feeding cycle and I can't break it. I don't want to break it. Inwant to give into it. I want to let go. I want the cycle to break me. I don't want to keep fightinf anymore.

I can't keep going like this. I'm exhausted. I'm tired of feeling miserable, I'm tired of there never being anything to make it better. I'm so sick of it being so hard all the time. I need something to make this better. I need it to be easier than this. I need it to be more than this. But it's not. And it's never been. I don't think it ever can be.