Unseen tenderness

So as you all know, myself as meany of us are having a hard time.

however, even though I'm not nice, may be unnecessary narsistic, dismissive, or anything else you may like to add.

I love the world and the people in it, I cry for the way we treat people. The innocent people we hurt, and the mistreatment of the minorities in the world.

for myself, I like to think of it as being torn from your self, trying to find a way back to your own body. Like experiencing life as a third person.
almost like the moon and the earth. Torn apart after a cataclysmic event, sethering part of it's self outwards.
forever separated, whilst within sight, eluding the grasp of it's own self. Reveling the nature of the torn disembodied soul that was once impregnated within.

gradually over time the gravitational attraction wains allowing further separation from oneself, until gravitational attraction is lost. Allowing the two planetary body's to disembark from each other's orbit.

This partly explains the feelings that I feel after the event I wish never to endure again, the events that have left me in a total snd constant need to escape from the people that allowed it to happen, and the families that are involved.

this is why I do not speak to my family. As the actions have left me feeling like disemboweled entrails, after mortal wounding.

I know I do not belong here, this was and never will be my place of happiness.

the deprivation of life, enjoyment, and embracing nature of the warmth needed for my soul to grow, have been totally withheld and only deprivation and assult has been experienced.

I do not wish to participate in this 5 year long ordeal any longer. It's only out come has been to hurt and crush all pure intensions and self love.

the self love that was there 5 years ago before the total and utterly barbaric mutilation by physical assault to my genitalia. And other things that happened are never going to heal.

but I still have love. But not in this situation. I refuse to love a person or people that are capable of such atrocities towards other people.

this is why I stay in my room, no justice or satisfying condolences have been given by thous responsible.

one thing has been learned sadly, I will most likely never trust a man ever again, whilst having a rather existential relationship towards most women.

close the door, the window, stop listening to my phone calls, and sabotaging everything I tried to build.

I miss my girl friends from beauty school, I enjoyed myself so much and was able to reveal in the childhood I never had.
unfortunately moving to the country was nothing but pain and discriminated for me in meany ways, I with never to go to south Australia ever again. Not even to see family, that's how much damage they have caused.

I hope later in life my children ask me why I wasn't there. Because they will hear a story that hopefully dose not make them cry to much, when hearing the way they and the people around them treated me.

I won't my Melbourne family back. The girls that found me and were able to show me love and compassion, and for once in my life, if only briefly, found happiness.

this is why I love Melbourne, not the parties, not the night life, love life or anything else.
it was the childhood I was denied that was provided when I came here.

so if anyone was at Melbourne institute of nails and beauty from 2013-14 or national academy of beauty 2015

hi, and thanks for the childhood, love, compassion, tears, and experiences,

you will never know how much you meant to me, wether you know it or not, it was most likely the only thim I felt happy and accepted.

I only wish when I disappeared or became despondent you found a way to connect, It almost cost me my life several times.
I don't blame you, we all have lives to live.

but if you have a friend that goes silent, please find them, it may be the last you hear from them.
Also if they stay at home all the time, don't come out when invited. They may not know if you are a friend or are there to embarrass them in public.

any way, it looks like I have to give up on university due to accommodation issues, as I find it hard to live around people now, after the ptsd, this also hurts my feelings for the hope of rekindling friendships that where close to my heart here in Melbourne.

I just want to tell you all, I miss you.
you girls really did help me, please next time make sure I'm ok.

becouse I'm not ok. I don't know how to talk to anymore. But I hoped that I would have started a business with some of you once.

I now realise I probably should have known better than to think I would be taken seriously.

but still love, I forgive you for being so incentive and wreckless with my heart.
sometimes people are just nice because they care, not because they want something from you.

inshallah.