Bipolar II vs Cyclothymia

Hi there

Earlier this year, I was diagnosed with bipolar II. I've had one or two major depressive episodes each year since about 17 (I'm 29 now). The worst episodes have left me suicidal, though I've always had good social supports and I've never made an attempt. At my lowest, I am catatonic. This has led to me losing jobs and failing uni (though with excellent support from a university disability service, I finally managed to graduate two years ago).

Alongside these episodes, I've had about half a dozen periods of three or four weeks when I have enormous amounts of energy. I get full of plans, and tend to make big financial commitments. I tried to buy a house in one episode, despite working in a fast food chain and having no savings. Another time I quit a job on the spot, got on a train, and got halfway to Singapore before I ran out of money. In the most recent episode (preceding the bipolar diagnosis), I had plans to go to space. During these times, I sleep only 4 or 5 hours a night and don't feel tired. My thinking feels miraculously clear and I'm confident that everything I do will work out. I'm much more sociable (I'm usually very introverted and quiet), and I've said and done some outrageous things in public (too embarrassing to mention here). I am physically energetic and if I don't keep myself busy I tend to pace and compulsively shake my hands around.

I've tried my absolute best to make a decent life for myself. I have an honours degree in law and I briefly held a teaching position at a good university. I've volunteered for humanitarian organisations and won scholarships for community involvement. I'm very close to my family and I have good friends. But all told, after all the highs and lows, I'm now unemployed, recently out of hospital, living off Newstart Allowance, and sleeping in my childhood bedroom. I feel like a defective adult.

I spent six months in CBT last year, and it helped me with a lot of problematic thinking and behaviour. However, this year's mood swings have been the most extreme I've ever had. In March, my psychiatrist started me on a mood stabiliser which I took until a GP, on the advice of another psychiatrist I was due to see as part of post-hospital follow-up, asked me to taper off then stop. The meds seemed to stop the ups but not the downs. Since stopping it, my mood has been bouncing around like a yo-yo, with about two changes a day. The swings are less extreme than the longer episodes: the highs are not quite as high, but they still have that edge of excess and urgency, and the lows are not catatonic (like I was when I got out of hospital six weeks ago), but they leave me questioning the point of life.

I saw the psychiatrist yesterday, and she told me I have cyclothymic personality disorder, and that no medications would help me. She made this diagnosis after less than 40 minutes, and without asking me about the extent of my depressive episodes. She sent me out and suggested I try meditation and counselling.

I have serious doubts about this diagnosis. I've read that cyclothymia involves feeling "somewhat down", and this feels like a trivialisation of my depressive episodes. I am also sceptical that the psychiatrist could make an accurate diagnosis so quickly and with so little information.

On top of that, I'm exhausted by the medical system. I had a terrible experience in hospital, and I've now been taken off the only medications that were somewhat helpful, on the recommendation of someone who seemed to want to rush me out of her office. I can't afford insurance, so I have to wait up to six months to get a second opinion. In the meantime, I am terrified of what I will do to myself, and I can't move on with my life.

It helps just to share this with people who might relate. I'd love to hear how my experience compares to other people's experience of bipolar II or cyclothymia. I also want to know if there are any treatments that help with these symptoms. I'm about to move interstate again (back to where I went to uni) to get back to my old doctors and psychologist, but in the meantime I just need to know that this is not going to be a neverending cycle.

Thanks for reading 🙂

Fish