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I'm just saying hi.

PowderfingerSenior Contributor25 June 2021, 9:26 pm AEST

I'm just saying hi.

Hello,

I have not been here for five months. My own choice. I decided to pop in tonight and say hi. I was going to talk about something but now I don't really want to.

I have changed a lot in the last five months. I also had another mental breakdown recently. That is five in the last year and a half now. I think I am finally in a safe space home wise. I keep waiting for something to go wrong. I have managed to get myself solo. It is hard, I am in a hard place. I so very much want company. I just don't know how to do company. It is challengin when youa re facing your demons, why you struggle with things.

I realised tonight that I struggle being around other families if they invite me over becaue I feel like I am in the way. I feel worried that I am going to overstay my welcome. I try read the cues when people want me to leave. When I do read it right, I have this sad feeling in my heart. Sad because sometimes I want to stay and sad because I am woried I spent too much time there and I wont be invited back. I realise I am like this because of my parents. Different things they did and said. It is irrelevant now what they did and said. I cant change that. I am trying really hard to fix these parts of me because I do not want to live like this.

Anywa, just dropped in to say hi. I am not sure if I will drop in regularly or not. I am not travelling too well right now and am working on getting my life straightened out and trying to figure out who I am. The last few months have not been pretty.

Powderfinger

Powedrfinger

18 replies

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In response to: I'm just saying hi.

PowderfingerSenior Contributor26 June 2021, 2:32 pm AEST

Re: I'm just saying hi.

@Oaktree

I have done quite a bit of trauma therapy over the years and in different modalities. I understand why you are scared. It is frightening to face yourself and also be so vulnerable. I will not go back to do any trauma counselling because I learnt so much. I think one needs to take breaks because the work is so intensive. I do ask myself now and then do I need to go back to therapy. I think there is this part of me that can be incredibly stubborn and stand my ground. Of course there are parts of me that I don't like to much. Figuring out where it comes from, whether it is me, or whether it is voices from the past doesn't help. I think too I did a bit of damage. I was a serious drug addict and alcholic for over ten years, I know it caused some damage to my brain, as well as the abuse I endured through my life. I am not sure if I will ever fully recover, who knows really but only time can tell.

It is such an individual experience for everyone - trauma therapy. The only thing I can say is to give it a chance and just see how you go with it for a while. You may want to say no after two or three sessions. If you know it is because you are just feeling too vulnerable, talk to your therapist about it before you quit.

I wish you all the best.

In response to: Re: I'm just saying hi.

frogSenior Contributor26 June 2021, 4:55 pm AEST

Re: I'm just saying hi.

Hi @Powderfinger it's good to see.

I think you are very insightful and have a lot to offer people here

In response to: Re: I'm just saying hi.

PowderfingerSenior Contributor26 June 2021, 7:22 pm AEST

Re: I'm just saying hi.

Hi @frog

Great to see you. Thank you for your compliment. It's lovely. I have learnt to tell myself no, stop helping too much. I used to spend too much time helping everyone and very little time on me. I've stopped doing that now. Well I slip now and then but for the most part, I realise I'm not here to save everyone. It's nice and very freeing for me.

✌️🙂

In response to: Re: I'm just saying hi.

frogSenior Contributor27 June 2021, 8:15 am AEST

Re: I'm just saying hi.

Wise words @Powderfinger

Can relate to putting others first at your own expense. Definitely a trap. There's no fixing all the problems. I read that what people need is understanding and consolation. If you give one person that, you've done a great thing.

In response to: I'm just saying hi.

Zoe7Senior Contributor27 June 2021, 3:28 pm AEST