saltandpepperSenior Contributor
MDD
Had a nothing day today. Most of my days are nothing days anyway really. But it's got me thinking about the difference in the quality of life people experience. I've lived with MDD for over a decade and it shadows everything I do. I'm just thinking how different my experience with life is compared to others I guess. Some of my friends, they have their shit together, and it shows. A couple of close mates who know I struggle with depression have both admitted they don't understand because they've never experienced it (both incredibly supportive, just not able to relate). It always comes as a shock to think that this isn't what day-to-day life looks like for them. I don't know any other way. It's hard to believe other people aren't living like this.
I've been doing a lot of thinking about things. I'm looking back on today and just feel so pathetic. I am pathetic. My life is pathetic. I can't get anything done. It's always a battle, no matter what the task. I'll walk into the bathroom and stare at the shower trying to convince myself to just get in there, and sometimes I can't. I check my teeth in the mirror and see how terrible they've gotten, but I can't bring myself to brush them. Sometimes I struggle even to talk to people, engage, form words. Sometimes, I can't even manage to respond to my son. And I feel terrible admitting that. Most days I can't stay awake, I have to lie down and rest, I just get exhausted even though I don't do anything. Literally spent the entire day on the couch watching a show and then had a nap in the arvo. I bought this pizza thing at the bakery yesterday for tonights dinner. But I couldn't even be fu*ked getting up from the couch to chuck it in the oven, so I just didn't have dinner. Every little thing is an effort, even being awake is an effort.
My house is always a wreck. Piles of dishes, piles of clothes to wash, piles of shit just everywhere. I can never get on top of it all. It's been like this as long as i can remember. It doesn't really sink in until I go to a mates place and see they don't live like this.
I can't even manage the bare minimum here. I shouldn't need to give myself a pep talk just to take a fu*king shower. It shouldn't be a 2 hour long argument I have in my head. I just can't do anything. Not the small mundane basic daily shit, and definitely not anything else. I spent the day sitting on my ass feeling too drained to do anything at all. This is what it's like living with depression. It just fu*king sucks. Despite being heavily medicated and seeing a therapist fairly regularly, I still can't get off the couch.
