Struggling to Cope With Mentally Ill 20-Something Daughter

Hello @Alfred and welcome to the forums 🙂

My goodness I'm so sorry to hear your story, it's a tough situation for you. I'm glad you found us.

As far as books and support groups I tend to google resources and have studied various over the years. Some councils provide support groups, I learned through a local hospital of options in my area. On the SANE home page there are links to click on for topics, depression, BPD etc...

There are many parents/carers here who will relate and let you feel less alone. I am one of them.

Before I call it a night I wanted to let you know I see and hear you. I hope you find some comfort here Alfie.

I'll tag some other members to say hi. I'll also tag a couple of threads that may be of interest. Take care Alfie 🙂

Parents Supporting Unwell Adult Children

Re: Raising Awareness of BPD - Flipping the Script

Self-care - Why can it be so hard?

@Shaz51 @Smc @Faith-and-Hope @Determined

Hi @Alfred and welcome to the forums.

I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. My ex husband started presenting with mental health issues and underwent a seeming change of personality and value system across a ten year period - add in co-revive control which included rages and stalking of / with digital technology, and it became quite frightening. His addictions altered from workaholism and BED to a restrictive eating disorder and exercise disorder, with orthorexia and CH/SP to an unbelievable degree.

I had begun to see a psychologist seeking answers about what had happened to him, and how we could survive. A book I came across was "Stop Walking on Eggshells" by Paul T. Mason and Randi Kreger. Although it is based around BPD my counsellor said that it would help me to read it because, although he didn't believe my ex had BPD, a lot of the behaviours were the same and so learning strategies for managing them would help me.

I hope it provides you sone support too.

Unfortunately it seems that my ex had / has NPD and it was time for the Devaluation and Discard stages of his pattern of behaviour .... it was "textbook" really, for someone who knew what NPD was, which I didn't. Sure do now ..... and still not out of the cement mixer yet, but getting there, step by step.

I hope you find the support you need to help sustain you here on the forums. It is an amazing community.

I forgot to mention @Alfred, our youngest two children fell down with anxiety and depression under the influence of my ex's personality disorder, with symptoms not unlike your son. They are rebuilding their lives in slow steps too - two steps forward, one back, most of the time, but progression is a forward movement nonetheless.

My tip to you and your wife as carers: slather on self-care. It's not selfish. It's essential.

Thanks for the tag @Anastasia .... 🌷

Hi Alfie, I am so sorry that is certainly a heavy burden you and your wife are carrying. I can relate my eldest daughter suffered from Anorexia as a teenager and then again in her early twenties, she also has bouts of depression, but she hasn't lived with me for a long time. I also suffered a lot of guilt because she has a sister who has Downs Syndrome, and even though I tried really hard to give her and her brother equal attention. My daughter with DS, required a lot more especially when they were younger, and I didn't have a supportive husband either. I guess what I am trying to say is I feel your frustration, but we can beat ourselves up till the cows come home but it won't change anything. I wish I had some words of wisdom to help you but I don't. But I do care, and I wish you and your family well.

Hi @Alfred,
Can relate all too well, but sadly I don't have any solutions.

Our own mid-20s daughter has been mentally unwell since her early to mid teens. She's got an uncertain MI diagnosis as she doesn't line up exactly with any one condition, but at the moment she's actually in the process of getting tested for autism, and we've been a bit gobsmacked at how much of her behaviour and personality traits line up with that... If the assessment doesn't show autism, we'll both be astonished, and stabbing in the dark again.

She hasn't had an eating disorder, but does have a long history of self harm, plus a number of medication overdoses. She has been diagnosed with fibromyalgia and other conditions as well, but there seems to be an underlying tendency to somatic pain and illness, on an unconscious level, so we often have no idea whether a diagnosis is correct, or whether she has reported all the "confirming" symptoms without being physically unwell. Very confusing.

She's more inclined to dependent than angry, but yes, we're often stepping on eggshells, not wanting to send her into a SH spiral. And she has a huge list of medications. She borrows money from friends rather than using any form of credit, but yeah, does that waaay too often.

And yup, it's affected other family members badly. Her two younger siblings have struggled/are struggling with education, and the whole family is significantly traumatised.

None of this is your fault. Regardless of what she says when she's angry. It's a real "punch in the guts" when someone assumes that our daughter's difficulties are due to poor parenting, but it's a false accusation. Like us, it sounds like you've done all you could and beyond trying to support her.

Re. support groups- I've found this forum to be invaluable. It's really helpful sometimes to be able to talk through issues anonymously, or simply to virtually "catch up" with people who understand how complicated life can get when there's a MI family member. There's also in-person carer support groups around. It's best if it's a group that's specifically for carers of people with MI or autism. General carers groups are often more focused on physical disabilities or dementia, and there may not be the kind of support you need available there. There's some mental health carers options listed here. I'm in rural VIC so can't speak personally about any of the Melbourne Metro groups. https://www.tandemcarers.org.au/metro.php

Also, seriously think about finding a psychologist for yourselves. This stuff is hard going. We (Hubby and I) see a local psychologist about once a month, and her well informed support is invaluable.

I came across an article recently about autism's co-morbidity with ADHD... a very common co-occurence. Something that really jumped out at us was that ADHD = very poor impulse control, and as a result, a strong tendency to get into debt or blow the budget on impulse buys. I've copied the link here in case it's helpful for you. I don't know whether your daughter would be receptive to the info, but maybe it'll give you a framework for the Afterpay issue.

https://www.abc.net.au/news/2019-05-31/how-adhd-affects-your-wallet-mental-health-kids/11158952?nw=0

@Alfredmy heart goes out to You and Your Mrs around this situation. You sound like an intelligent Father with two kids who have had big life challenges and effects ..... You both trying to manage the family dynamics. Great to hear your son is starting to find his way. I can only imagine how exhausted you and your wife are from your daughters mental health issues , Im exhausted hearing just this snippet of how hard it is after alll the efforts youve made to love her and care for her and not seeing much progress in her wellbeing. Know her paranoia and ways of thinking and perceiving the word come from the lens of her illness.

To be quite frank Yes she is running rings around You both . You said so yourself ...... and You two Parents getting support to hold strong boundaries around some of her behaviours is where something can really shift. Some tough love may be required though . Please remember though that once you hold a boundary the shit literally hits the fan as your child (even adult ones) pushes against it and big tantrums can occur . She's 20 something having free board, Youre paying all her therapy bills too and you're like the bank bailing out her AfterPaY bills where she isnt accountable for her spending.. Im mad on your behalf for how she's taking advantage of your kindness and generosity.

I am someone with a mental illness however it doesnt excuse me from treating others badly even if Im having difficulty self regulating. Hurting others or taking out my emotions on others affects them. Being bailed out means I dont have to be accountable for my actions .... There were moments in my 20s I racked up debt and had to think will I declare myself as bankrupt? I found my way to a financial counsellor and paid it off slowly. Everything I learnt been a big part of me growing up on the way.

All the best in finding the right kind of support for You both. May your daughter tooo find ways of having her growth supported too.

@Alfred

I am glad you had so many caring and experienced responses.

Mental Illness in the family is never easy. Sadly I have had a lot.

Somehow the nuclear family gets less support these days and when more isolated it increases issues for all.

Sounds like she is clever and verbal and may need to find ways to manage her own intensity. Anger can be transmuted into creativity or fitness or whatever is her thing. That challenge is up to her. Cos she is grown up now.

RESPECT. Maybe she will feel better about herself if she can behave better within her family. We all have limits, adult, children, and parents of any age.

Family therapy websites and videos may help you find and set reasonable boundaries for YOUR reponsibilities. Look around for what sits right with you. Dont give all one way. People feel better inside when they accomplish tasks of maturity.

There is no law that says every word need be heard, relationships are more two way ... than that.

Maybe calling out her responsibilities to 1) pay her way and 2) to contribute in small ways to the household. Also limiting her sense of right to throw anger around.

Anger can be a tool in personal growth but should not be used to hold loved ones to ransom. I do not like people using mental illness as an excuse to abuse. I have seen far too much real hardship. idk Tough Love ... firm boundaries ... love you, but not taking your aggression ...like punching bag ....??? Reduce previous support in small steps if that feels safer. Tantrums really are important for children of toddler age ... I do try and catch my kids being good too.

Sorry I am not more help, just some thoughts.

Apple