Unsent

Couldn't you have just let me have this one day to feel good? I hate having to see you and talk to you and force myself to not say anything for the sake of our son. I hate it. It's draining. Everytime I see you, everytime we talk, it hurts. Like a punch to the chest. I'm trying to move on from this, from you, and you're making it so much harder than it needs to be. Please just stop, please just leave me alone. Even after everything I still don't want to say or do anything to hurt you. But I can't keep doing this with you anymore. I can't keep protecting you at the expense of myself. I just want to say it. I just want to tell you to leave me alone.

And now i feel guilty for writing all this even though you can't see it

Hey @saltandpepper

I am sorry that you got hurt. Your situation reminds me of my son and his ex. One day his ex just said it was over and that he didn't want to try to make it work. Drove my son home from work, he goes into bathroom to cry and wash his face only to come out to his ex leaving with his pre-packed bags. My son moved back home and fell into a horrible depression. 2 years pass and my son has moved out again. I spoke to him the other day and he says he's in a funk again. I ask why? Turns out his ex is marrying the person he left for. The problem as far as I can see is for you and my son is that the end of the relationships was not your decision and that you have unresolved feelings. I am so sorry that you are being messed with in the head. It's not fair.

All the best,

Meggle

Sounds rough @Oaktree sorry he had to go through that. I don't know if it's easy for anyone to see their ex get remarried even if things are on good terms. Never gunna be easy hey? Hope he copes alright and finds happiness again.

I really don't know where my head is at with it all @Oaktree I think when it all happened it was a bit of a shock. I didn't get angry, even though everyone was telling me I had a right to be. Anger is something I've had issues with in the past and now it's like, i can't ever feel it, like it's bad/wrong to feel it. Even in a situation like this. I think it's made it hard to process what's happened properly. I think there must be a lot of anger under there but I haven't been able to feel it or let it out. I don't know. It's been very messy. Guess it always is.

I think my ex had checked out of our relationship a long time ago, maybe I had too to an extent. I tried so hard to do better, be better, but it made no difference in the end. I don't know. I don't really know how to deal with it. I've just pushed it to the side and tried not to think about it. I've never been good with feelings and emotions, I'm getting there with it, but this is just. And it's all been so confusing telling me she doesn't love me and then turning around and saying the opposite. It's been so fu*ked up.

I just don't want to deal with it. I don't want to think about it. And I just want to be left alone, you know? I just don't want this. I don't want to become "the friend". That's just unnatural. I just hate all of this.

And yeah, I wasn't prepared for it when it all went down. It was a shock. But in all honesty I am glad to be out of it all. I'm not built for marriage or relationships. I am glad to be on my own, I don't have to pretend to be someone I'm not. I don't have to push my shit to the side for anyone. I can drink and smoke all i want now. I don't have to talk about shit if I don't want to. It's a relief.

I just wish it could all be done and dusted, no confusing mixed messages, no saying one thing then another, no weird friendliness, no pretending to care, no awkward lingering at kid swap time. Ugh. Just wish there was a way to not have to see or talk to each other but it's not possible. And it's confusing. I feel like i don't care any more, but it still hurts. I don't know. Don't know what to think really.

Anyway. Thanks for listening @Oaktree

Hey @saltandpepper

I think it's easier to turn our feelings off and just be numb than to feel the hurt and pain. I don't like to let my inner vulnerable child feel anything and have learnt that I am using maladaptive coping strategies to avoid this. Maybe it is healthier to allow ourselves to feel so as to get to a place of healing. I am hearing that you are having mixed feelings which might be confusing. In some ways you are more free now to do whatever you please but you are still captive to her crap at kid swapping time. As long as the kid is not made to suffer because you two can't get along then it's fine. I understand that you don't want any kind of relationship with her. Maybe you need to come to a different child swapping arrangement. I do hear a fair bit of anger in your unsent letter.

Meggle

Hugs @saltandpepper 💔😔

I'm sorry 😞

Yeah unfortunately @Oaktree there has been a couple of times when our boy has been witness to our arguments. I feel terrible about that. Just so disappointed in myself. Tried so hard to not do that. Made sure I talked to him about it afterwards, explained that I shouldn't have behaved like that. But yeah, we haven't argued like that recently, was more in the earlier stage. I mean I fu*king want to blow a fuse sometimes but it's easier to swallow it now I guess. And yeah, I'm definitely starting to feel the anger. But I guess that doesn't feel good either. I used to be such an angry person, anytime I feel angry now I feel like I'm going backwards. I don't know, it's confusing. Sometimes I feel like I have no idea what an appropriate response to a situation is. I'm getting better with it. Learning. But yeah, I feel like if I get angry here I'm wrong to feel that way. It's confusing.

Yeah I probably need to say something re kid swap situation cause far out it's starting to get old. It just seemed easier to ignore it.

Ugh. Wish I could snap my fingers and just skip past all this shit.

@Anastasia 💙💙

I think I've had this concept in my head that if I let myself grieve this, it's like I'm sad about losing my ex. I think i need to find a way to grieve the situation and not the loss of the person. I think that's where I'm getting hung up.

I just want to be free from it. I don't like that I'm still so vulnerable here. I don't like that someone else has power over my emotions. I hate how easy it is for them to get under my skin

Ugh it gets so noisy in my head with all the shit that's going on. Wish there was a shush button for my brain