My boyfriend suffers from retroactive jealousy, what to do ?

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@Meishatia wrote:

"The 6 months before we met i had sex with multiple people, some of them he knows... and now we know he has (retroactive jealousy)"

"I feel super guilty about the way he feels"

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Hi Meishatia,

Nice to meet you. Sounds like you are in a bit of a pickle.

I can relate to some of what you are saying. I try not to give advice but I can share some of my experiences that are similar. This may help but feel free to ignore it, if I'm off the mark.

Personally, I have experienced irrational jealousy myself sometimes, like your boyfriend does. But the truth is, that from what you've said, you've done nothing wrong. So, if you feel guilty, you may want to reconsider if that is healthy or unhealthy. Maybe we should only feel guilty for things we have done that are wrong. We have all had past relationships and that is reasonable and to be expected.

Maybe you can feel empathy for your boyfriend's pain but I would encourange you not to over-identify with it. It's his 'stuff'. Maybe feel it a little so you understand what he is going through, but perhaps don't dwell on it too much. When we dwell in anothers pain, that can become enmeshment and we can lose our sense of self, which is important for our mental health.

For me, because I experienced instances of parental abandonment in early childhood, I have experienced irrational jealous in adulthood. I am scared that people will leave, reject me or like someone else more.

To deal with this, first I had to realise where the jelousy was coming from - my childhood trauma and being abandoned when I was young. Then I had to deal with the trauma that was causing it, not how it was manifesting today - treat the cause, not the symptoms. I did this through psychology and the techniques that my psychologist used were 'Gestalt empty chairwork' and 'imagery rescripting'.

I hope this helps in some way.

Pato

Hi @Meishatia ,

A friend just told me about "Acceptance and Commitment Therapy" which has assisted him out of addiction issue. He is 3 years clean now.

The therapy involves using personal values to accept past negative behaviours and commit to positive behaviours that is aligned to one's current values.

Perhaps have a discussion with your partner on what each of your values and ethics are, especially in terms of relationship, but this can also be in terms of work, family, friendship, finance, etc. After, you both can work on building a stronger relationship based on these shared values. Of course, words have to be followed by actions to ensure strong trust in the relationship.

If you need professional assistance, a counsellor or psychology specialising in relationship can assist both of you with this.

Hope this helps.

I really like the way you just articulated A.C.T. @Lilaca

I'm dabbling with it, myself, and I really appreciate the frame.

It also reminds me about a yoga relationship article that I read from years back. It was years ago but the yogi talked about shared goals based on values as a good relationship builder in general. That way we can be supportive in a way that also makes space for growth and evolution (or something like that).

hi @Meishatia and welcome to the forums,I too tend to like sharing relationship issues on these forums as it feels like a safe space to talk about these things,Prehaps as an idea you could spend time reasurring your boyfriend of your commitment to him in present despite how he feels about your past just maybe reasure him of your commitment to him in the now that that was then and in the past but that now your with him,but at the same time give yourself some space as an individual and give yourself some time and self care to work through how his feelings may be affecting your feelings,you cant fix your boyfriends issues as these are things that he will need to ultimately work through but you can show him youll be there for him as he goes through working through it,maybe couples therapy would be a good idea or maybe a mix of individual and couple therapy to help you both get through this rough time,all couples go through hard times your not alone,keep reaching out for support

great advice @Pato and well done on recognising where that insecurity came from within yourself

@Meishatia does your boyfriends jealousy prevent you from going to parties or friends houses? And is the fear he has around seeing the guys from your past about him seeing these guys or you seeing them? There's a difference, and I feel it's important to know. Is the guilt you're feeling being pushed onto you? Is he making it seem like you've done something wrong, like placing blame on you? And also, has he had sexual relationships in the past or have you been his first?