Struggling with bipolar partner and relationship counselling etc etc

Thanks @Shaz51 yes bipolar disorder.

@Bipolarcarer

I'm going to be what seems to be tough on you, you may look back on it at some point in your life and realise why it was said. Maybe. I was with a bipolar partner at one stage. A few years ago. This person also smoked weed and totally believed that it was helpful to them. I knew it was rubbish. I ended up having to get a restraining order as I really was t safe.

Anyhow, what I want to say is what the heck are you really doing here? Look at the facts. You have been diagnosed with PTSD. You are seeing a psychologist and have been for quite a few years now. You are going to couples counselling. Various professionals have challenged your thoughts and feelings. Some have even seemingly told some truths which caused you to feel angry. Did you feel angry because a part of you felt it was the truth or did you feel angry because you felt they had it wrong and were putting her down or was it both?

I agree you are do focused on her that you seem to forget a lot about yourself. Are you looking for specific answers that will provide you with some temporary relief from a permanent situation?

I feel you need to do some soul searching. Do you see yourself going through this for another 5 years? What are you hoping for with her and your future together? How do you want your life to truly be and when you can answer that, do you think overall that this is truly possible with her? It hurts to see something for what it is. It hurts way more to live a lie.

All the best

PF

@Powderfinger

Sorry for the delay, things settled a fair bit and I was neglecting to check this forum..

"Anyhow, what I want to say is what the heck are you really doing here?"

Looking for advice I guess of how other partners deal with this stuff on a day to day basis, somewhere to talk of the strain on me being a carer had been. hearing other stories that I am not alone. etc..

"Look at the facts. You have been diagnosed with PTSD. You are seeing a psychologist and have been for quite a few years now. You are going to couples counselling. Various professionals have challenged your thoughts and feelings. "

Well there are some more facts to add, i.e. we had our ups and downs but NOTHING like what was happening for those 3 odd years that eventually caused my PTSD. We also have more facts that make it hard for me to compeltely blame my partner. i.e. that she spent 3 years saying she had bipolar, I came into her psych sessions saying the same thing, her psych then put her on a drug that says on the box NEVER to be given to someone with bipolar and that drug was the catalyst for not just a hypomanic episode (as we had seen before) but full scale mania with halucinations (which the psych still denies and said she thought it just brought out "her big personality")..

It got to the point that she was damaging her relationships with friends and family (not just me) and the psych just continued to justify her behaviour, all this continued until my own psych confronted hers (after she had an interaction with my partner) and I had called the CAT team and they had demanded the psych take her off the meds and do her friggen job...

So there are some extenuating circumstances here that make me feel this is not so black and white... She is well off the drug she was never meant to be put on and on a mood stabaliser now, it has taken a while to undo the damage that psych caused putting someone with type 2 bipolar on a mono treatment of SSRI, maybe it will never be completely healed (for both of us), but she is no longer in the same mental state that she was (it didn't just turn off quickly when they stopped the SSRIs though).

"Some have even seemingly told some truths which caused you to feel angry. Did you feel angry because a part of you felt it was the truth or did you feel angry because you felt they had it wrong and were putting her down or was it both?"

I felt angry as with the exception of my own psychiatrist (and even then only after she had her own interaction with my partner) no one was taking seriously that she was hyper manic (well maybe other than CAT team) and what the trigger for the behaviour was (i.e. the medication and her psych).

I have suffered depression and would hate it if she had left me because of that, or because the psych put me on the wrong meds that had made me worse and then continued to justify that nothing was wrong even though it was plain as day to me, her family and some of her friends (that talked to me about it) that she got far worse on it.

"I agree you are do focused on her that you seem to forget a lot about yourself. Are you looking for specific answers that will provide you with some temporary relief from a permanent situation?"

That is true I tend to be a very loyal person and put up with a lot more than most people would, it is a personality flaw that mostly hurts me.

Well I guess I was holding out hope that the effect of that drug would eventually be flushed from her system and things would calm down again, so I was never certain if it was a permanent situation but it took a while so I certainly had my concerns that it was..

"I feel you need to do some soul searching. Do you see yourself going through this for another 5 years? "

The way it was, hell no, in fact if it ever got back to what it was at or even near it's peak I wouldn't last 6 months I don't think, let alone 5 years.. For my sanity I would have to walk away.

"What are you hoping for with her and your future together?"

That with proper medication (mood stabilisers rather than enhancers) things would improve, even beyond what they were before the wrong medication (i.e. beyond when she was unmedicated).

"do you think overall that this is truly possible with her?"

Not sure, time will tell, though I doubt anyone with bipolar would do well on a mono treatment of SSRI for 3 years, hence the warnings on the box.

"It hurts to see something for what it is. It hurts way more to live a lie."

true enough

hello @Bipolarcarer

how are you going my friend , we are here for you anytime

@Shaz51 said "how are you going my friend , we are here for you anytime "

thanks, I'm a bit meh, up and down..

@Bipolarcarer sorry that you are a bit meh, up and down.. today my friend

here for you if you like to have a chat

@Powderfinger, @1Freckles , @BPDSurvivor , @Flurry0306 , @Jynx , @Dimity , @StuF , @HenryX

@Bipolarcarer @Shaz51

yeah I'm a bit meh too, emerging again from a trying couple of weeks into what feels relatively calm again for a bit. I'm hardly ever online here these days - not because he's not still a trial but because I'm just so busy.

Did I tell you all about this heart problem I developed just before Christmas? I can't remember, anyway, a barrage of tests later and the sever palpitations that leave me exhausted and breathless are, apparently, all in my head. My anxiety has always been gastro-intestinal up to this point so I never dreamed I was self-conjuring a racing pulse and my heart beat banging in the back of my throat.

Upside? If I tell him my heart's playing up a get out of having to "go to bed early" and I gave up smoking when I thought it was a real heart condition, so it seems a bit defeatist if I go out and buy a packet now after nearly 10 weeks.

love to everyone x

@SJT63

Thats eery, i have reflux issues too and went through the palpitations years back, GPs wanted to put me on beta blockers, but heart specialist said its not life threatening type of irregular beat (every 10 beat would be irregular and i could feel it). He took me off the medication and one day it just went back to normal (weeks later).. was scary though.

I'm struggling a bit as although most things have improved i cant stop thinking about the past

My partner also has a tendancy to reframe the past, i started the thread with that issue, she lately said the reason she was not emotionally there for me was she is also autistic. My response was "dont talk to me get a diagnosis then", which I can see is harsh from her POV and she didn't like it. But seriously, its too much, and i see how empathetic she is with friends, its predominately me (and sometimes other close family) that she was emotionally blind to, i just cant deal with this stuff, I had so much trouble dealing with some of those important days in my life (like the death of my mother) when she dismissed me as she "couldn't tell I needed her", I can't take her telling me she maybe has another condition and that explains it.

I actually started talking about ending the relationship, negotiating separation etc and that has obviously caused pain all round, but I feel trapped between wanting to resolve things and the pain from how I was treated when she was not well and how these rationalizations affect me.

@Bipolarcarer

are you still in that relationship? I dream of being able to end mine. I long for it like some forbidden fruit. Things aren't even that bad at the moment - it's not all day, every day - now the dogs of war are only unleashed once or twice a week but I am SO VERY TIRED of it.

"Everything's fine" he says "please don't be afraid of me" and just as you start to relax after the last one you suddenly you get woken up at 1 in the morning and castigated over some trivial misdemeanor. Then of course I can't come up with the justifications for my actions quickly enough to appease him and that makes it worse.

And I can't end it. Or rather, I don't want to give him my house.

In May of 2020 the body corp at his units cut down a tree in his courtyard and since then he has been unable to stay at his own place - about 50km the other side of the capital from mine. If he were to go back I've been promised someone would be seriously hurt; maybe him maybe the man who made it happen, so my only way out of this is to move out of my own home. A home I've been paying off since 12 years before I even met him.

His place is a long way from my main job and my side hustle which is focused on my local area. I did say once that perhaps I should go and stay at his for a while to give us both a break but then the gaslighting starts - I'm unbalanced or deranged and I need to see a professional. I think what he really means is who will cook.

I stay with him because it's my house and he stays because of my house and the comfort it provides. He is smart enough to know that if he ever got proper physical with me I'd be able to justify having him removed.

If he loved me .... and I know he thinks he does..... but if he could love someone he surely wouldn't be so cruel to them.