Night Time

That scene in Back to the Future 2 where Marty senior is watching TV but he has like 10 different stations playing all at once--that is my brain right now.

Don't even know what I'm thinking any more, it's just a static mess. So many thoughts and memories playing all at once it's confusing and frustrating.

Keep waking up in the early hours of the night thinking and hoping it's almost time to get up. But it never is. Knowing I'll be whiling away the next few hours like this feels like torture. But then when morning comes it's a battle to get out of bed.

I don't like to use the term flashback, I'm not a label person. I always feel like if I use those terms it takes away from others who have more severe problems. I can read about what it is to have a flashback for someone with CPTSD and I can check all the boxes, and inside I guess I know, but I still feel guilt. Like I'm not entitled to those terms. I guess maybe because it was drilled into my head that I was at fault. Maybe that's why I find it hard to use those terms? Because it places blame/responsibility onto someone else? Never even mentioned CPTSD on here before for the above reasons. Only ever been able to refer to my condition as PTSD.

I think, yeah, I guess it was flashback kind of material last week. It was very intense. When the physical component of it strikes it makes it so much harder to deal with. I still have this lingering nausea from it. If I even start to think about it my head starts pounding. Intensity of it has eased up greatly now though. Enough that I can start distancing myself from it all. I had absolutely no control over my thoughts or memories when that kicked in. Just kept ticking over, playing through, again and again. But it's confusing. I consciously have been aware of that instance where my mother was belting my brother. It's not a new memory. But after talking to my brother about all that other stuff, when that memory came up for me this time it came with a boat load of intense feelings. Like in my head I was there again. And I felt all the terror, the desperation, the overwhelming sadness, like I was there. Like I was still sitting on my bed and crying my little eyes out. It's up there with one of my most painful memories, but it's not at the top of the list. But I don't think I've ever experienced a flash back quite this intense before. That's also confusing. You'd think the severity of symptoms would directly relate to the severity of the traumatic memory. Perhaps I haven't been able to process the other events as completely as this one. So maybe it's a good thing? Good isn't the right word. Progress? I don't know. Gritting my teeth as I write this. Poor teeth. Woke up because I do this crazy thing with my jaw sometimes and it knocks my teeth together pretty hard. Two chipped teeth and another with a fracture because of it. Still won't go back to the dentist though.

Well, that was a long ramble. I feel a little lighter after prattling on though. Maybe that's what I need to do to get through the nights right now. Rather than tossing and turning for hours, maybe I'll just pour it out here. Maybe will start a new thread for it though. Maybe should just copy and paste this into a new thread now. OK.