Dealing with family members' reactions.

@Former-Member

Hi florenceforty,

Your heading “Dealing with family members' reactions.”

To me, your situation seems to involve the following parties and issues, that present involvement, interactions and, at a number of levels, difficulties:

1. You are the centre of your concerns (meaning not a friend or other family member.)

2. The issues involve work relationships -

   • manager,

   • former partner,

   • other personnel at work - friends and others.

3. Family members, including a sister who appears to wish to support you, – albeit, in a combative manner, and whose involvement could constitute interference that may well be embarrassing to you or cause offence to you and/or others.

4. Your former partner.

5. Your wishes for the future that you want to consider and develop for yourself.

I believe that when you have developed a plan of action and decided on what you want in your future, in both the short term and the longer term, you will be in a better position to inform your family of the ways that you think they can help you, and their responses (whether any or none at all) that you believe would contribute to the resolution of your present conflict, both internal and external. Also, the responses that are likely to lead to adverse outcomes; eg. embarrassment to you or offence to others.

Such a plan of action will also help you in the process of evaluating what you want from life and how you will go about achieving the outcomes that you want.

It appears, from what you have described, that your manager and your workplace have tried to adjust your circumstances to assist you. That indicates that they seem to want you to continue working with them. Which is a compliment to you, I think.

Without knowing the types of relationships that exist within your family structure, it is difficult to make specific recommendations about how you would interact with each person.

However, your more “passionate and combative” sister may be persuaded not to 'interfere' if you can present a logical plan, (detailing only what you wish to convey to her and/or others), for your progress and a time-frame by which your circumstances should settle down. Mind you, your life is neither hers to live; nor her life, yours to live. This, notwithstanding, that it is your life and your circumstances that you are dealing with. Has this sister been in the habit of living other people's lives for them, or is she, for any reason, just unusually protective of you and your life?

I have an acquaintance, who likes to make suggestions about my life, that she thinks should be acted on immediately. Recently, I have felt like saying;

“You have your life, with all its issues and circumstances, I have my life with mine. Would you like to swap lives so that you can live mine and I, yours?”

The range of responses to a family member who believes that they have the right to involve themselves, interfere or intrude into the lives of others, be they family or friends, is from the blunt,

“butt out! it is not your business”,

to a softer

“This is how I am dealing with the situation, and I value your suggestions. But please respect my right to deal with this issue in my own way.”

Obviously, there is a multitude of variations and degrees of sharpness or softness, depending on situations and personalities.

Another aspect to consider revolves around your own way of dealing with this and other situations in your life. I have asked whether your sister is “in the habit of living other people's lives for them”, or is she just unusually protective of you and your life? The opposite question is,

“Have you been accustomed to allowing others to have a controlling (as distinct from contributing) interest in your life and in this way, created a precedent for such involvement? ”

Remember also that when we move from one place to another, either physically or mentally, “we take ourselves with us.” We often try to change what is an emotional situation or mental/psychological issue, by changing our physical location or position. Often this approach does not work because the physical and mental/emotional positions are not always as closely linked as we may think. But they are all a part of us wherever we go.

From my personal experience, some advisers from a medical and, or psychological background, seem to automatically believe that what may be positive in a general situation, is also applicable and positive in a specific or particular circumstance. Generally, I agree that the involvement of the family can assist in developing positive outcomes and, in some circumstances, may be legally required. Unfortunately, this approach does not always produce positive outcomes when applied to all situations and circumstances. Your concern about the responses of some or all of your family members who are “not going to be calm and/or compassionate” is an example of such a situation.

I have recently had the experience of the negative outcomes of the involvement of family based on this assumption, in my own life.

Hoping that these ideas will be helpful to you florenceforty

With My Best Wishes

HenryX