Feeling alone

Thank you Janna,

it is an extremely difficult situation and you have made some great points re anxiety, depression and the self medicating to get buy. I do see his suffering and i know he doesnt want to be this way. I have done reading on PTSD and ways in which people cope. Speaking with nurses they suggest schizophrenea may have been a pre-existing condition and with all the stress and then "functional" using the MI presented.

there were 3 episoded, both i and drs believed to be drug induced.

He had become increasingly paranoid being followed, under survelience (by the force), house being bugged, both cars having tracking devices. When he firsted started, his explanations were believable, however become more "unreal" or not pausible, but he was adamant about it all.

1st addmission to hospital was only 5 days (detained under MHCA)

5 weeks pass and......paranoia increased same as before but now house was bugged, followed while we shopped etc, there were days he wasnt going to work and I thought he was. Everybody was watching him, undercover units etc, helicopters, even drones. He went off grid for a week, due to nature of it, the police were now looking for him,for his own safety and health. When he came back, I walked in and he looked so distressed.... I made a ph call and again he was detained. He sent msgs to me until they took his ph. He hated me etc..........

2nd addmission was for 2 weeks.

(i tried finding somewhere else to live, was so distraught, not sleeping, irrational, we have o family here and how the hell was i going to do it all....moving, rent etc....a million and one thoughts constantly running thru my head).

It was my eldest who said to me..."stop, dont make hast decisions now that will have a greater impact in the near future and on all of us, not just you, He is unwell and cant help it, yep he screwed up but look at all that he has endured and not just with work"

I looked at my son, and cried and appologised for the fact he knew, he said he had seen it in before in some kids at his old school...their coping mechanism for a shit life at home.

4 weeks pass.....surveilence is constant, theres even probes in the floor, and now there are bugs under his skin, in his hair, ears, nose, mouth. he is trying to get rid of them, lice treatments, scratching, digging etc. He is awake for hours on end (like other times, most of which he spent in shed). its gotten beyond a joke and i make the call again to his work and they intervene.

A different hospital, diff approach and they listened to me, all that i said. they didnt just treat for drug use, but looked at possible underlying causes.

He was there for 6 weeks..............given medication for schizophrenea.That was end of May this yr. and he has been clean since. As far as i know he never heard voices, it was delusional thougths and hallucinations.

***I have to make clear that at no point during his episodes did he ever display anger towards us. it was nothing like i had seen on ads or read about. He was stressed, in destress****

He would be awake for days then crash and sleep.

i would drop clothes in for him but kept my distance until he asked for me, nurses also advised this. I would then visit chat. i had told him i was packing up house and looking for somewhere else to live and i would help him and not leave him with nothing (his ex had done that and got an IO so he couldnt see his kids) Not once did i say he could come with me, i had toughened up, and wasnt going to do it anymore.

now i am here and posted for thoughts and support.

i understand its a long hard road and i will support him, BUT under no circumstances will i do it again. i will get him any help he needs but it will be done from afar. Even though there has been so much hurt and feelings of betrayal etc.....i am not the one to abandon.

sorry for being long winded.

I also would like to thank all of you who posted comments, there are times you feel so alone and i am grateful for the responses, it means alot.

Safety is important and I will leave if ever i felt in danger or risk.

Due to the fact he is a cop, there are protocols in place, address and names are flagged, and therefore a faster response time. i am in contact with his bosses and they check in with us. i have also been offered counselling being spouse (so have the boys)

The saddest thing is there isnt any debriefing/counselling for them after taskings, and being an old school cop it was suck it up and get on with it. he saw alot of horrific crime scences, and its not just seeing it but the smells associated with it. I rememeber one scene he told me about.....man vs train, he and others were bagging body pieces for hundreds of metres, a large zip lock bag, that it was a 42 deg day and the ants.....he had to make sure he shook off any ants before bagging.....when id was finally made, it turned out to be a kid he went to school with.

Life is one hell of a struggle, for some a hell of alot worse than others.

I am so glad that you feel comfortable enough to tell us your story on this forum. None of what you have experienced sounds normal or easy. I'm really comforted to know that his drug use has ceased and that you are feeling safe with regard to that. I wish there was a community of support out there to help you, but unfortunately the reality of things are that they are not. Thank you so much for responding. You sound as if you've been on an intense journey and I commend you for being to hold it all together against the odds. If it is at al]l possible I would highly recommend connecting with someone to give you some support through all of this - think social worker or community health.. In the meantime remember that you have a whole community of people via this forum who care and are there for you, Never feel that yu are totally alone. What a horrible journey you have been through! Hope that your connection with this forum helps.

Janna ❤️