Help. Please.

Nooo, you are such a sweetheart @saltandpepper. I'm just so, so, so tired. Want to curl up in a ball and shut everything out. Want someone to take care of me for a change.

You can have that @Anastasia

call in sick tomorrow and tell the boys they're cooking dinner. Just spend the day in bed and watch some shows.

Maybe you can organise a night for the boys to go to dads? And you could visit that friend of yours?

What do you think? Do you reckon that might help?

No I have the company vehicle in for service. My friend lives four hours away 👎 as does the boy's father. 👍

I'm sorry I'm just being a sook @saltandpepper

Don't be sorry @Anastasia

Well if the company car is getting a service, then it's fine. No one can use it anyway.

you should still organise a night where the boys go to dads and you stay at your friends place, that'd be fun right?

I'm sorry you're feeling so down @Anastasia 💙

@Anastasia 💙

So dysfunctional as a human being that I can't even get my shit together enough to fill out a fu*king customs form. Done it a hundred times, it's not a big deal, but I can't do it. Wtf is wrong with me. I'd need to get ink for the printer, that's another chore. And I'd need to go into the post office, that's awkward since parcels are stacking up there and I've been ignoring the urgent reminder collection cards. Work things waiting for me at the post office, and I can't go and collect them. I just can't. It's all such a fu*king monumental effort.

Refunded an account last night, deciding that was better for my mental health than taking on any more tasks. The task being getting ink and filling out the customs form. Not exactly a huge ask is it? And now I'm sitting with all these feelings of worthlessness as a result. Should have just fu*king done it. But I can't. Can't do it. Maybe I need to close up for a while again. For the hundredth time this year. I need money but I just can't get it together enough to do things.

Its pathetic. I'm pathetic. Never going to get anywhere.

Where did that state of self acceptance go? I used to be ok with not being ok. Why has it flipped again? A year ago if I'd refunded an account like this I would've just accepted it and moved on. I wouldn't be dwelling, I wouldn't be kicking myself. Now I'm just drowning in these feelings of worthlessness and it's making it so much harder than it needs to be. It's not like it's a surprise that I can't do shit. It's not a new thing. The beating myself up for it thing is an old habit, one I had gotten good at managing. I feel like I'm getting worse with my depression. All the negativity in my head, it's like how it used to be. Before medication. Before therapy. I'd grown to accept myself for all my faults and found a way to coexist with it all.

Ive been having trouble communicating with my therapist. Having trouble being honest. I'm not sure why. I keep feeling like I want to take a break from therapy. I don't know what to do there. I keep lying to everyone around me. Telling them I'm doing ok when I'm not. I don't want to tell them, I don't want them getting in my face about shit. I don't want to have those conversations but I'm so sick of pretending. I just wish people would stop asking me if I'm ok so I don't have to keep lying. It hurts to lie. But if I'm honest it will be mistaken for an invitation to talk about shit. I don't wanna talk. I just want to be alone with these feelings. I don't want to share them (outside of the forum). And even as I write this I'm aware these are all patterns with depression. I'm aware of it, but seemingly unable to overcome it.

I'm questioning how well my medication is working. I know they're not magic pills but I've maxed out the dosage and I'm still struggling so badly. I guess I'm not exactly doing a bang up job with the self care thing either. That's probably not helping. Maybe I should stop drinking for a while. Not sure I have the self control to do that though. Where did all my self control and discipline go? Was I imagining it? Was I ever better than this? I don't fu*king know anymore

@saltandpepper 💙

I'm sorry, another night with your thinking cap on 😔

I hear you dear friend x

This is what night time is for, no? @Anastasia

What about you, been tossing and turning over there too haven't ya? 💙

Twinning it @saltandpepper 👦👩

Gotta go into office.

Colleague texted me last night said email announcement about boss"s departure...so hopefully might learn my own fate today 🤞

Hope you have an ok day today. Be kind to yourself please. You're worth it x