Help. Please.

I get it @BlueBay intimacy has never been my strong point either

Hey @saltandpepper

@Snowie was right. Concentrate on the good about that night and the fact that you were able to have a little control over the trauma cascades.

LOL We all would like sex and trauma not to be linked Think. it happens more for people with CPTSD, however from all the literature I have read from all the different countries in the world. I'd say its normal, as both sides of the fence ... oops dont wanna be too dualistic... and perpetuate battles of the sexes myths ... cos I lived near a lot of queer cultures and also know they have their fair share of ...sex and relationship... horror stories ... some people get all moral and Christian about it .. and that its own load of troubles.

Dont believe Hollywood and take your own precious time.

In the meantime cherish the fact that you had some bit of conscious control regarding the shitty stuff ... and yeah getting drunk ... well ... it can be fun to feel all that lack of inhibition with mates ... but has its well documented down sides ... all a learning curve ... 4 steps fwd and only 3 back ... kinda thing.

Apple

Hey @Appleblossom yeah I'm definitely going to relish in the fact I could talk myself out of losing it earlier in the night--first time that's happened when I've been drinking. Plus, I was in good company. One of the guys there has been a long time friend and he kind of just knows how to deal with me now. Stopped me from decking some c*** too, thankfully.

Yeah it's all rooted to childhood, shit that happened there. It's never let up really. For a while there things went the other way, was able to actually have sex without it all spilling over to the past. Since starting therapy though, haven't been able to manage it. But even back then I guess it wasn't what you'd describe as a healthy sex life--one extreme to the other I guess. Eh. Sometimes, I kind of long for the days before I'd opened up this can of worms though. I've come a long way in other areas of life, but completely messed up when it comes to sex--even just people trying to hug me or get near me is uncomfortable for me now. It's all just a big fu*king mess now. Just wanna be able to enjoy it again. Just want it to not be about anything else. Just yeah, don't even know if this is something that'll ever get easier really. But I fu*king hope it does.

It's brought up a lot of anger for me. Angry at what happened, angry that no one protected me, angry that it happened more than once, angry that I still see their faces. And so fu*king angry that it continues to infest the present day and has me bolting from a sure thing. I tried to pull my head in, it didn't work, the physical responses just override everything. Even though it started out enjoyable, and being with someone that isn't my ex was fu*king great... Kicking myself for losing my head there. Fu*king hate it. Ugh. Just one night, just one time, just once is all I ask. I'll be happy with just one more time without the past coming back to haunt me. Just one time

There is no one word of wisdom that suits all circumstances @saltandpepper When to pull head in or stick neck out??? Zat is Zee Kveshtion!

Glad you have a good friend.

I have been single for 20 years. Had to. Still tend to trust guys more than women ... kind of ... a bit blokey ... dunno wot that says about my history ...

Take Care and be patient with you.

Apple

Ha @Appleblossom that is the question my friend. I'm not minding being single really, it's a lot less stress and more freedom. Only down side is I think having someone around was a good distraction. Now I just sit and think. Not good.

Nothing wrong with being mates with the guys haha. But I get you. It all shapes who we are in the end. I was lucky enough to have piss poor relationships with both my mother and father, so I was equally retarded at socialsing with girls and guys. Thankfully, a couple of my mates from way back never gave up on me and have put up with all my shit. Think I'm a better person now than I was back then, so I'm eternally grateful they stuck around. Gets easier as we get older, maybe?

Actually had a very honest conversation with my mate on Friday--the one who stopped me from getting in a fight. I apologised to him for all the shit I put him through in the past and told him I'm glad he's still around. Progress

Had a few hours yesterday where I started to feel ok again, for the first time in months. Didn't want to jinx it so I didn't say anything here. Today I felt pretty good, through the morning and up until now. Started thinking this time next week I might have my shit together again.

And then my ex called.

The hardest part of breaking up is this. Not being in a situation where we can have a clean break. Still having to find a way to talk and figure shit out for the sake of our son. Having to divide up time with our kid. Fu*king eats away at you.

There's nothing easy about it. It's gruelling, exhausting, and I've got so much anger inside of me. Having to talk to my ex just sets me back, it never goes well, it's always shit. Just makes me want to drink and get fu*ked up so I don't have to feel this anymore. And I hate that I was feeling good for a second there and now it's just gone. Just like that. Gone.

Hi @saltandpepper

Hearing you and listening

Sorry to hear things have turned for you. Is there something you can do, some sort of self care, to help you out?

Sitting with you

I'm sorry @saltandpepper you're not doing good atm. It must be very tough to talk to your ex reg your son. I know whenever my daughgter had to talk to her ex it was difficult. But now a year on it's not too bad. He still annoys her and makes her angry at times, he only pays $30 a month; that's it.

I really hope the 'good days' come back very soon for you. Thinking of you xxoo

Hey @Snowie thanks for sitting with me. Yeah I don't know, probably just going to sit down and have a few drinks tonight really. I don't know. It's just hard. I think I feel a bit sad about it all. I don't know.

Far out @BlueBay the guy sounds like a real co*khead. What's she going to do with $30? Jesus. It's promising to hear this gets easier though, that helps. Just such a shitty situation and I guess I've spent a lot of time on my own since everything went to Hell. I can imagine it brought your daughter a lot of comfort to have your support with everything. Ugh. I'm no good at being in a relationship but no good on my own either. Just all shit.