One Reason To Stay Alive

Hey guys, nothing Earth shattering going on here. Just feeling down and not wanting to get out of bed.

Felt so miserable yesterday I wanted to start drinking in the morning. Managed to hold of til the afternoon. I just went back to bed and slept through the day, didn't get up til late arvo, then rewarded myself with a drink... Well, that's pathetic...

Still in bed at the moment, wanting to get up and be the useful person I want to be, but I can't. I want to be productive, I want to get stuff done, I want to work, I want to do things--more accurately, I want to want to do things. All I can seem to manage is lying in bed.

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, about life. There's a phrase that runs through my mind a lot "Dying is easy, living is hard." Heard it on an episode of House many years ago and it still plays through my head often. I'd hear that and feel comfort knowing that even though being alive is hard, I was alive, I was strong for choosing life. But lately, I've been going the other way with it, comforting myself in the knowledge that living is hard, so it's ok to give up.

I'm over 30 years old, and if I look back I can honestly say I've never been happy. I've progressed from suicidal to managing, and yeah, I've progressed past managing to engaging. But it all feels like it's been... pointless. No matter what I've done or tried to achieve in my life, it ultimately feels pointless. People often tell you to do what makes you happy, and when I think about it now, I think not having to try so fu*king hard every fu*king day to be alive would make me happy. I'm just tired.

I want to be alive for the sake of my son, he doesn't deserve to go through the Hell of losing a parent. I don't want to put him through that. I hold on to those thoughts but sometimes... Every now and then it's like all the bad shit builds to breaking point and there's a battle going on inside my head and I have to fight to find reasons to stay alive. I have one honest reason, my son. Nothing else matters to me. Everything else is just shit we have to go through. Sometimes I just feel... overwhelmed? Knowing I don't really have a choice, no matter how hard it gets, no matter how miserable I am, I don't have a choice. There is no easy way out. There is just survival. My existence is purely about survival, not living. I wish I didn't have a reason to stay alive.