Who deserves to feel

I've been thinking.. not sure if this is the right place but wondering if other have the same thing or have any ways to overcome this..

There is this stupid thing I have about ranking feelings which I think is one thing that sometimes makes it hard to speak in therapy maybe. It’s that someone else always owns more feeling and only one person can have a feeling at a time. So then anytime I feel anything I think I shouldn’t/don’t own the right to then instead my body makes it anxiety. Like when my grandma died. I was only sad a few seconds then that was trampled with that and it turned into anxiety. It’s big because you can always find someone else who ranks higher in deserving the emotion. And maybe, just maybe a wee bit, it does change what I think of about my childhood. That makes me cringe to write. Maybe I’ve disowned any hard feelings about anything, even what I do remember, which is mostly general and just a few specific things, because someone else had it worse. That was a big thing with food back then, finish what’s on your plate because ‘think of the kids in Africa’ even if you’re spewing mashed potatoes. Anxiety is safe because it makes you hide. It makes you conform. Fall back in line. But how do you get better from that when it stops you talking. Because what you need to talk about is feelings you aren't allowed. Even if that rule is only in your head and only for you and you logically know that it bull. I need help.