A bad morning... and what NO-ONE talks about re: suicide.

Quick trigger warning, the end of this post is probably not the best content to read if you're currently in a suicidal crisis, but I hope you appreciate it and get the support you need.

...

How does general bad luck and misfortune affect your broader mental health?

I am really tired... I had work last night. I know it sounds weird, but I wanted to go to the town centre and return my library books in the after-hours box. At that time of night, there's no-one around, so I thought it would be really satisfying. Amazingly, the after-hours box has opening hours. The door was locked.

So instead, I had to wake up early and take two buses, to two libraries in my area. I asked for my coffee to be made warm, and instead, it was pretty damn hot. In twenty-eight degree weather, that was pretty unpleasant. Delicious, but unpleasant. To be fair, I saw on the order that she didn't write "warm", and she didn't write it on the lid, so I should have pointed it out. I had to wait twenty minutes for my bus.

I was inspired to ask this question while I was making scrambled eggs for breakfast one day after work. I had pieces of shell come off every single egg that I cracked, and spent a good five minutes trying to get it all out. Then I went to the cabinet and realised we didn't have any salt.

These are tiny inconveniences in the grand scheme of things, but they are so frustrating that it becomes a bigger issue. Or, at least it highlights the bigger issues.

Comparing my life to others is hard, but avoiding it is even harder.

For some reason, the town centre is always full of young people with their friends or partners. While I was walking to the library, a guy in front of me saw his girlfriend from across the road. She walked over and gave him two big kisses. I tried for a couple of seconds to pretend that it didn't affect me, but it made my heart drop. "I'm sure they're not as happy as they seem on the surface" :face_with_rolling_eyes:.

I haven't been hugged in eighteen months. Like, does that even sound possible to you?

My problems have nothing to do with a random couple expressing their love for each other, but it is deeply embarrassing, walking through a crowd of couples, knowing that all you've ever had is one friend that you don't even talk to anymore. "Some day" is absolutely no consolation. I want to die before "some day".

I have been very suicidal for some time now.

I recall a high-profile suicide. She put out a video before she died, which is nowhere to be seen. YouTube took it down. The transcript, though, is online. She said something that stuck with me. "I don't see how this could be a bad idea."

I think it's very easy for someone to say that they feel sorry for someone who's contemplating suicide, and that they hope they get the help they need... but they say it in a way that's very distant. I think they don't want to delve deeper because they know it's not as simple as that.

I want to make it clear that I am safe... but surely you get it. If you know what I have been through, then you can't really be surprised, right? If you saw one picture of me, you would understand why no-one wants to be near me.

No-one acknowledges that it's not quite as simple as saying you need to stay alive... but I think I'm in that boat.