LostAngelSenior Contributor
feeling as though I should expect people to be done with me/self Hatred
Last night was a terrible sleep couldnt sleep as I was thinking Hatefull thoughts about myself,self blame thoughts,rang lifeline as I was starting to think I wish I was dead,lots of thoughts couldnt sleep ,messaged a family member at 2am while thinking bad thoughts just to say point blank to them that I have to learn,I woke up this morning still thinking and not wanting to get out of bed litterally didnt want to move an inch just pulled the blankets back on and laid there thinking,thinking how Ive hurt those around me and the feeling of me forcing myself to face my own fears about myself,felt like giving up on myself closed my eyes for a bit and pictured myself at the edge of a volcano and Jumping into the Volcano being burnt up by the Lava,melted and then the picture replayed in my mind again but this time I Jumped into the Volcano into the hot Ash I told myself Im going straight to hell the strange thing was I wasnt scared to picture myself jumping into a volcano it instead felt peacefull and right ,right to let go of myself and Jump I pictured myself falling straight down and landing into the heat of the volcano,after that I was really internalising my self hate thoughts feeling as though and expecting that everyone be done with me,first I know one cousin who tried to support me is now done with me as Ive pushed her away and was angry with her,and then I felt for sure that the online date guy is also done with me too ,and Its like Im just waiting for a few others to be emotionally done with me then.... I can be done with me,I feel done with me but still need others to emotionally be done with me too,Theres one cousin whos still messaging me for some reson and Im literally waiting for them to be emotionally done with me and then waiting for the therapist to be done with me as well,as if I am just a lost cause,I expect to be done with myself,I expect others to be done with me as well,cause Ive hurt them all,pushed them away,Im not worth it,not worth there time,not worth there help,its too difficult for them all,Im too difficult to deal with,my hurtfull behaviour and actions,my anger,my strange messages,my behaviour it feels to me like that thats too much for everyone,Im just waiting and expecting them to do done,Im not worth it,how does the one cousin still put up with my late night messages and behaviour,how do they love or how can they love me,when I dont love myself enough,to help myself,how can thay still love someone who hurts them like that,I want them to hate me too,Im forcing myself to look at myself and face myself,face my fears alone,Im scared to be loved would find it much easier if they didnt love me,didnt care,didnt try to help,didnt listen,didnt check in,what makes me so valueable?
