BPD has stolen my daughter and is trying to break my family...

Hello @EggshellWalker I read your post and cried I also have a daughter with the same condition and it is singluarily the most difficult thing I have ever had to deal with in my life - everything and I mean everything is nothing in comparision to this. I managed after alot of negotiation to get my daughter to take medication as she also refused for such a long time, while she was taking it she was amazing and we began to get back to a 'normal' life again. Then because she was feeling so good, she decided to, against medical advice stop taking it and oh boy what happened after that was nothing short of life changing for me, but that's nothing story.

I know this can be the most difficult phase of a parents life and I am sure you have done, suggested, googled every possible way of helping your daughter, but she also must want to get help as well, there is no point otherwise. Your other children should not have to feel intimidated, scared or avoid their sister because of this and I am sure, just like you and your husband want their daughter back so do your children want their sister back the way she used to be before her illness was diagnosed. The frustration this behaviour creates separates the family unit as everyone has their own coping mechanism, as mothers ours is on 24/7 call whether we like it or not because we are the nurturers. Does your daughter have a psychologist she sees and if not perhaps its time for her to begin to see one. Would your daughter participate in support groups to discuss her feelings with other BPD sufferers? This may also be a great time for your other children and your husband to do something together without stress, while your daughter is the one suffering the illness you ALL are in reality and you need to spend time with the other members of the family as well.

There are so many layers to this condition and just when you think you have identified the triggers to them, holy molley there's another one. I likened it to changing hats - I would wake each day wondering what had was going to be put on this morning, to change again by lunch and then change again by afternoon and evening. This is a particularly unique illness but there are many similarities one of which is dependable on the 'personality/ies of the day' and unfortunatley this condition is indicative of people who suffer this being unable to show remorse.

As a parent who just survived it, you are not alone there are many organisations that can help support you and your family if your daughter continues to refuse treatment. Most importantly though while your daughter needs support your husband and other children need as much if not more. I hope this short post has helped you in some way. My thoughts are with you and your family.

The pressures on teenagers these days are significant. Managing Year 11 and one shift per week is plenty. She seems to be responding to the competitiveness she sees around her as well. Often the level of friendship available during the teens is not that deep and so it may not actually be all your daughter. I am wondering if DBT is better for a young girl with BPD than meds anyway ... I hear your love and sadness for your daughter and your family and hope you find better support.

Take care

Apple

Hello @EggshellWalker, welcome to the forums. You write so well your story kind of leaps off the page. It sounds as if your daughter (or more precisely her illness) has turned your home into a landmine zone where you never know when something will detonate. You seem to be doing amazingly well at balancing everyones needs. I hope there are some moments in there for yourself. If we don't re-charge we run out.

It's great that your daughter is seeing a good Psychologist. There is encouragement to be had from that. However, I suspect that real change will only come when your daughter decides that she's had enough of the emotional turmoil herself. It's only then that she's likely to be motivated to do the things suggested by her Psych.

I wonder if the incident you described has brought her closer to that?

@EggshellWalker... You are incredible.

Yes it does get better, and there are plenty of high functioning BPD survivors. My partner is 28, he had been showing signs of BPD since his early teens but his family didn’t seek help or even recognise what was happening at the time. He was diagnosed in his early 20's after all but destroying his friendships and pushing his family to their limit. Even getting him to those initial appointments took me weeks of convincing and pointing out things that just were not quite normal about his behaviour.

He initially refused meds but went to counselling, it was his psych who convinced him just to give them a go after assuring him that other people don’t feel the way he does and his experiences with his emotions were not "normal" for most people and with meds, he too didn’t have to feel that way. After starting meds, we encountered the side effects... sickness, feeling like a zombie, anger, rage, sadness, suicidal thoughts... we did it all, which allowed him the excuse to stop taking them. After 3 years, we hit the jackpot (medication wise) good meds he could adjust too, he felt normal and functional, there was no anger... I finally allowed myself hope for our future.

My boy is now on a lowered dose of his meds (after much counselling and CBT from an amazing clinical psych) and he will never come off them completely but he has accepted that, he is on a low enough dose to keep him stable but "human" (his words). he does still have mood fluctuations and can spiral into depression, but we quickly up the dosage on his anti-depressant and book an appointment with his psych. He regularly sees his psych once a month anyway, just to check in and allow him space to talk about anything that has come up for him that month. At first he was resistant to that too, but he has realised that without it, his anxiety levels rise and he struggles to maintain balance.

We have an amazing relationship, we are open and honest and 110% supportive of each other, I know if things get tough in my world, he is able to support me or he will outsource and call my mum to talk things over. He works full time, he has been offered promotions in the past but he finds that a little stressful so has opted to remain where he is comfortable for now but in the future he see's himself stepping up and giving it a go. He has repaired all family relationships (with honesty) and most of his valuable friendships. We even moved interstate recently, away from our support networks to try for a brighter future for the both of us, and he has coped like a champ. We had 1 rough week, but we found a new psych who he immediately connected with and a new GP to help with the meds and he is back on track. He loves his new employer, he has told them about his BPD so that he doesn’t need to hide it if he is having a bad day, and they are SO supportive, its amazing.

Your daughter can achieve this too, at 17 life is hard without BPD let alone with it! Hopefully she will continue to work with her psych and maybe one day, meds might be an option for her. I would definitely recommend a support group for her too, speaking with other BPD survivors who are now smashing life can really help with the light for the future.

It must be hard for you watching your family endure this awful affliction. I can tell you the best thing I did was see a psych myself, it really helped me to open up about my feelings and learn to cope with challenging behaviours my partner would show. it gave me coping strategies that I just couldn’t see myself.

Your family and your daughter can survive this, when she is ready to… and the waiting for that point is very difficult, but with the amazing support you are offering her, it will come.

Xx

Tigs

Thanks for discussing these issues, everyone. This is the first time I've taken the step to connect. I've been thinking I can manage and bogging in and keeping on going, but may well have run out of ideas today.

I feel exactly like this - I've lost my child. Mine, too, was the most lovely and caring girl with a terrific 'can do' attitude and happy demeanor. She was conscientious and loving and great to be around, a talented elite musician, great at school and sporty. An all-round achiever. Some talked about Nim having a future as a model. I used to marvel about what an amazing kid she was and how easy to parent. (After an Asperger brother it seemed that way at the time).

Not only is there BPD now, but perhaps some dissociation affecting gender dysphoria, and multiple personalities. Self harm too. I now have a 16 year old 'boy' who is aggressive, reckless, substance abusing, tattooed, piercings, missing school, disrespectful, and no care for others at all. Even fabricating stories to accuse others of abusive acts that don't exist.

'Normal' parenting doesn't work and I'm now the 'bad guy'. They've left home and refuse to answer my calls or respond to texts. I feel so helpless to reach them.

Any ideas? Thanks.