To all my friends.
before you read on just a warning this post is pretty heavy and may be triggering to some. I do not intend to hurt or upset anyone.
I have sat here day after day staring at the screen trying to find the right words to explain to you all just how I am feeling right now but I am finding it so damn hard to find the right words. To find the words that will help you understand.
I still don't think I can explain it properly but I will try because you my friends are all I have and you all mean the world to me and I care about each and everyone of you.
I have been defeated. I cannot continue to fight anymore. I have nothing. I have no one. I have no more energy. I have no more strength. I do not have the courage to do what needs to be done. I have been told over and over again by so many for so so so many years all the things i have done wrong. All the things i should be doing but are not and all the things i shouldn't be doing. I have been used and abused by so many and I continue to be by all around me. Now I know this is 90% my fault because I am allowing it to happen time and time again. I do not have the courage to stand up for myself even though I feel I have tried. I need to accept the fact that I am damaged and broken and cannot be fixed. What's the point in trying anymore. I just seem to disappoint all around me and I cannot put my kids through anymore just so I can try and feel a little better about myself. They have their whole lives ahead of them and they don't need to go through anymore trauma. Everyone keeps telling me that my kids will bounce back that they will be ok but I am not ok. I didn't bounce back. I was traumatised and I went through pretty similar things that they are going through and would go through when I go to hospital. I cannot leave my kids with my mum for 4 weeks and subject them to what I was subjected to as a kid. I will not put them through that. My mum already can't stand Mr13 and it is guaranteed that she will put him through hell.
I have decided to cancel my hospital stay for EMDR therapy and I have also decided to stop seeing my psychologist and psychiatrist. I have an appointment with my psych next week which will be my last.
I made a promise to someone (you know who you are) that I will not check out. This person means everything to me and I intend to keep my promise. So my love I will always be here for you no matter what.
I am so sorry this post has been long and pretty heavy but I just wanted to try and I explain what's been going on for me as best I can. I feel I still haven't fully explained how I feel but I have done my best and I hope you all understand.
I hope you all have been as ok as you can be right now. You all have been on my mind everyday and I have never stopped thinking of you all. I truly apologise for not being around lately I am just not ok.
@Eve7 @Anastasia @Emelia8 @outlander @Zoe7 @Bellarose75 @Bunniekins @Sans911 @Shaz51 @NatureLover @Faith-and-Hope @Clawde
and I am so sorry if I have missed anyone.
xx
