Let's talk DID and dissociation

Hi @MySunrise that is a bit confusing hey. I think I meant how do you know when you really do have DID but are in denial or when you just actually don't have it. I guess the answer is probably that you don't.

it was me who wrote about being sad too and tonight I'm feeling awful. I was meant to go back to the GP for that 'check in' she asked for next week but I think it's likely lockdown will be extended so I won't be able to go a) because mask make me to anxious and b) because I won't be able to send my boy to daycare. I'm seriously done. I don't know why it bother me so much but it does. It just feels like anytime I have some little glimmer of something life shits on me. I can't do it much longer

@destructive it sounds so hard for you and your little one. Lockdown is so isolating especially with little ones at home. Are you able to do a phone consult with your gp? Maybe put on the tv for your boy while you are on the phone?

It sounds like the appointment is something you really need right now.
It's so depressing that the Covid clusters are growing, especially over the Easter break, I wish I could give you a glimmer of hope from here.

Back to your question, I have probably had DID since I was a small child. But it wasn't until my psychologist was able to explain why I have so many inner feelings, thoughts and changes in my day. I thought I was just a very moody person and it was so consistent that I thought I was just a horrible crazy person. I started having major flashbacks a few years ago and started remembering significant early childhood trauma. When I first found out that what I thought were "mood changes" were actually emotional parts (or alters) of myself stuck in a trauma cycle, I was in complete denial and figured I was insane. But over time with psycho therapy I have been learning about these parts (alters) and learning what they need when they rise up (or front). I still find it confusing, I seem to lose time some days and I am scared that if my friends and family find out they will think I'm not well enough to be a parent and colleague.

That's why I find this group so helpful because I know it's not just me, but at the same time I am scared to share because it's so hard sometimes. I am just taking it day by day.
Keep sharing here if you can, even if you feel really bad. Sometimes knowing someone else has heard you makes things a little better for a while.
I hear you. You are worth hearing. Hugs 🤗

@MySunrise @Thank you

for your response. It helps so much to know others understand.
unfortunatly I get way more anxious on the phone than in person so telehealth would be too helpful. Usually I wouldn't care. I'm pretty independent and avoidant but I think I'm so upset about it because I kind of had a bit of a glimmer because she was so nice and I did say a few things. I know I can go later but it's always harder the longer between. That's the same with therapy. She wants me to go weekly, even 2x weekly because of that but I can only afford fortnightly and that's only because of the 20 sessions rebate at the moment so isn't always the case. It just feels like there are too many obstacles and it hurts putting yourself out there when you have to wade through so much.

can I ask, how long was it between hearing your dx and memories? That's one thing I struggle with. The parts that I do remember don't seem that bad, especially not for DID dx. But I know I do have some strange reactions to different things that I've always wondered if they could be body memories. I'm not sure I want to find out though if there really is more there. How did you cope when things came back?

I just feel like I'm drowning in a pool of dread and too depressed to even call out for help or reach for the side anymore

Hi @destructive
I am glad to hear that you have a supportive GP to talk to. It sounds like it might also be helpful to chat with someone when you are in between your therapy sessions

Have you tried the SANE Support Counselling service? Besides phone calls, our counsellors are also available via webchat (Monday to Friday 10am to 10pm AEST). They can listen and work with you through challenging times🌻
Peonies

@destructive I totally relate to anxiety over the phone, I actually find it really hard to focus on phone conversations and I need to close my eyes. Telehealth is a bit better so hopefully you can do that.
And I can relate to the cost of appointments too. I have the same problem and the rebate with a mental health plan doesn't cover much. It's hard work trying to get the help we need. That's one of the reasons I journal, I feel like I need to do something in between sessions. I wonder if anyone has written a workbook or something to help people who have dissociation? I'd like to do something like that.

In reflection on your memory comment, I think it is really important not to compare trauma or think "mine wasn't bad", I've read that dissociation can happen from something as simple as losing a pet as a small child. It is all dependent on how it's processed. And dissociation is actually a brilliant skill used by the mind to cope with things we couldn't as a child. The important thing now is to be compassionate towards yourself and your system. That's what I'm trying to learn now.

For me I have so much memory loss from my childhood and during my adult life what I did remember were snapshots like photo memories, mostly of me looking at myself as if it was a photo. I knew there must have been abusive of some kind because of feelings in my body and why some things scared me and I didn't know why.

It was just over 4 years ago that a memory came flooding back to me. That's when I decided to go find yet another psychologist who could help me with my big giant emotions. But it was only last year sometime (last year is a giant blur) or even the end of 2019 that I was able to begin to understand what was going on. So in short it was probably about two and a half to 3 years before dx (I had to look up what that meant). I am currently who most people would call 'the host' and I call 'me'. I know this because my thoughts are actions are sensible, rational and functional. I can also explain what's what when I'm 'me'. I don't get a choice though when I'm not me however I do seem to be able to co front to some extent.

Dissociation is a spectrum and each person who experiences it is different as well. And that is Okay.

Sorry if this is a diversion off topic 2 n e 1... it's not urgent at all, but i'm curious 2 know .. is n e 1 else scared stupid of interactions with people (Inc friends/family)?

.. and even more, i'd really b interested 2 know if n e 1 is scared of therapy?

@Unlonely1

Yes. Scared of interactions with friends and family. Luckily we mask who we are mostly, except a few certain family members who trigger the life out of us.
Yes Yes Yes. Therapy scares but intrigues at the same time. The only place system feels safe

So cool u can all feel safe there!

thats amazing & awsum 😀

@Former-Member yes thank you I have used the chat a couple times when I've not been too well. It can be hard to get into though. I guess Lloyd of people in the same boat. I don't want to seem ungrateful, we're pretty lucky with what we do get healthcare wise in this country, it just always feels like only enough to open more wounds.

@MySunrise for me the phone is hard because it's missing so much information. Not for me, but the other person. Because I struggle to talk then I get even more anxious about that because I can't nod or shrug or they can't see me freezing up and that I need help. I can easily go into freeze which is why I think my T has never offered telehealth in lockdowns, maybe not to safe.

So it sounds like your memories came before diagnosis? That must have been so scary. Was it also good in making sense of things though? I'm curious of that, how much distress versus how much relief/removing confusion.

@Unlonely1 yes!!!!! Terrified of therapy!!!! Terror people finding me out!!!! Knowing I'm a nutter amd thinking I'm incapable to raise my son. I even worry about that with my Psych even though I trust her I know there would be a line where she could be concerned. Like she always asks me what my voices think of my son and I tell her they don't say anything about him which isn't entirely true. But if I ever said they were worried I wasn't a good/safe mother I would literally die of shame. Literally! So yes yes yes very terrified all the time!! You too?

αlwαчs!

í‘m αfrαíd σf єхístíng.