How to let go

Hi @BlueBay,

You're asking a really big question... And I think that everyone has difficulty with this at some point in their lives. I know every person has their own individual experience of course. But I guess what I mean is that we love people - like our parents - unconditionally often despite any abuse or maltreatment. Which makes it really hard to let go when the relationship, or the memory of the relationship, is damaging to our health and wellbeing.

I've had an experience with my aunt that I will draw on to try and help answer your question, I hope you don't mind

I guess in my experience the best way to "let go" was to recognise my own self-worth and self-efficacy without the support and presence of this person. The more that I believed in my own ability to live and breathe and function without their influence - the easier it was to let go of the pain and the resentment.

It's also about recognising that their actions weren't so much about me, than about what they were going through. Just because they were my elder at the time does not mean that they were perfect- they have their own issues they are dealing with too. So the way that (in my case) she treated me was not so much about ME and OUR relationship, it was more about HER and what she was going through at the time. Maybe you can try and apply that perspective to your parents? Your mum reacted poorly when you told her about the abuse. She has since pushed you away and segregated you whenever she could. Possibly more to do with her own guilt and shame than anything. Which is sad, and unfair. But it also leaves the blame where it belongs, which is with her. If that makes sense?

And what your therapist said- about your parents always being there, the memory of what they did to you will always be there with you. I think that's true kind of in the way that grief when someone passes away is always with you? You never feel the loss any less, but you do learn to cope with it and manage it more appropriately. I think it will work the same in this case.. because really, you are grieving for that relationship with your parents. And grieving for the potentially healing moment you could have had with your mum had she reacted better.

I hope what I said made sense.. And I hope it hasn't upset anyone It's really hard and it's incredible how much you are pushing yourself to get better and try. You truly are such an incredible person @BlueBay I think you are so strong for posting on here for support and sharing your story. I hope my experience helps. Big hugs!

Hi @BlueBay

I do understand your hurt and how the rejection from those who should be expressing to you unconditional love would be adversely effecting your own worth/value. It hurts like hell. Yes, everything @Former-Member said - building on your own self worth and self efficacy is one way of letting go of the need for their love and approval "so they cannot continue to tear you down" with their rejection. Believing in ones own value and self.

I would only add that what did also help me to let go was firstly to "let go of the anger". The anger of the injustice, indecency and damage done to ourselves. That eats us up and makes us totally focus on the hurt/the pain/the darkness causing mental turmoil and eventually depression sets in. A totally normal response initially, but to move on we have to eventually let the anger go. Step one.

Once it does go we can think clearly enough to focus and experience more positive emotions that motivates us to get on with our lives; to recognise what is important to us now and act on it so we can live in the present. Anger keeps alive the pain and injustice of the past. The pain can still be there for awhile but once we do the latter it will no longer control our actions, emotions and lives. And we "start to move on".

The other important aspect of letting go of others who are detrimental to our mental, emotional, spiritual and physical health is to place our thoughts, energy and love on those who are with us now, who are there for us now and who truly love us. For you that would be your husband and children. Not allowing the pain and ill treatment that others inflict to take away from us "the present moment", not allowing others to take away "the love we have for others and ourselves now". That's allowing our present to be destroyed.

The pain is still there but not as strong and it isn't controlling my actions or taking us away from me those who matter and need me now. I am currently having to do this myself all again at the moment. Life is not a rose garden my friend and I can never promise you that - but it is still life and it's about grabbing the joyful moments while we can and making the most of what we have. Focusing on all the good no matter how small. Focusing on the pain, despair and anger will rob us of this.

Its good you are working on ways to let go @BlueBay because how you have described the situation your mother, and possibly father, are choosing to believe others over you. And that may never change. Small steps - one day at a time. And never let go of the hope for a better future. Warm hugs