Dying, but looking good doing it. [LONG].

TLDR: How do you feel about appearance?

I want to start this thread with a quote, from The Miserable Mill by Lemony Snicket.

I'm sure you have heard it said that appearance does not matter so much, and that it is what's on the inside that counts. This is, of course, utter nonsense, because if it were true then people who were good on the inside would never have to comb their hair or take a bath, and the whole world would smell even worse than it already does. Appearance matters a great deal, because you can often tell a lot about people by looking at how they present themselves.

I was going to talk in this thread about how appearance does not matter so much and that it's what on the inside that counts... but OK, let's not do that. To AMEND my original idea, I would say that your appearance can reflect what you're like on the inside, when you want it to.

Sometimes, though, looking good on the outside can misrepresent how you are on the inside.

I remember I always used to visit my ex-crush at her cafe, as I have mentioned before. I went there every Wednesday, and occasional other days too, coinciding with University.

On those days, I would focus a lot more than I usually do on my appearance. I would:

• Shave properly.
• Moisturise.
• Style my hair.
• Take a long shower.
• Wear proper clothes, and perfume.

Not necessarily in that order!

Seriously, though, I thought I looked great. When I went to see her, and for the whole day afterwards, I was WAY more outgoing and confident than I was on other days of the week. I was even talking to her staff, some of which I had never met up until that point. And this was back when we finished work at 6:00AM, so I would be running on almost no sleep but I had so much energy. In hindsight, though, it was because I was "all loved up" 😂.

Since "it happened", I can't even imagine being like that again.

Yesterday, I had University. I thought I would dress up this time. I did everything above, not thinking about my break-up, but just because it was nice. I only have class once a week, so I might as well make it special.

I left the house thinking it was going to be a good day.

I went to my cafe, which is literally five minutes walk from my house... and I was silent.

I am really socially awkward now. The people that work there don't really notice, because they don't know the difference. I am kind of a shell of my former self in that regard. I think I've picked up Social Anxiety in the past year or so, or symptoms thereof.

My coffee was really, really rough on my stomach yesterday, so I was in a lot of pain. I won't bore you with the detail, but from there, it got worse. By the end, I was in a really dark place.

Dressing up was fun, but who am I trying to impress? What did it change? I was just as alone as I ever was. I'm still a train wreck, just a train wreck with wax in my hair. That's how I felt, anyway.

Lemony Snicket is like Santa to me. I know he's not real, but I have never known him as Daniel Handler. He's THE real Lemony Snicket... but I am going to respectfully disagree with him on this one.

If you don't feel very good on the inside, then looking good on the outside is like lying to people about what they "can tell" just by looking at you.

Honestly, it feels like lying to yourself, too.