Desperate today!!!!

I don't know what the hell is wrong with me. Yesterday I woke up feeling great. Today I am rock bottom. I feel psycho, that much that I thought of being self destructive by getting drunk. I don't drink ever and if I did this I would be in a worse place than I am now. I really feel psycho!! I have literally sat in the sun for the last two hours painting my fingernails and toenails. And smoking!!! I feel like my kids don't give two shits about me. They r boys, 24 and 27. I thought I had a good relationship with the daughter In laws but they can't even message me to say I can face time to see my grand daughters. None of these 4 ring me or message me. I messaged and tried to ring them last week to face time. I just don't understand, they all know I suffer depression. I am so friggen lonely but in saying that, I don't want to see anyone or I will just cry. I feel so low and my husband will be home soon and I hate feeling like this for him to see me like this.n I really can't stand my life atm.