TomRiddle32Contributor
Life is in ruins
I haven't been on these forums in a while, and this is a new account. I will say there may be triggers in my post so I apologise for this.
I am really stuck. I have been living with a condition that I am finding unbearable to live with. It makes life very very hard. And emotions and stress are amplified to insane levels. I honestly don't know how I can keep going on like this. I have never been able to describe what it feels like as it is not really just one thing. But it's very dark. As dark as possible to be imagined. The worst of it by far comes in episodes. They tend to last 3 to 5 days. But this one is already about a week. I was in hospital on Monday and Tuesday which was very traumatic. Each episode gets so dark that I am very suicidal as I want to do anything to escape the pain. So some bad options actually start to look good. It feels like time goes very slowly and each second even the most interesting or exciting thing in the world would be so mind numbing boring. Add on to that a feeling of being overwhelmed and all my thoughts are suicidal ones imagining my own death. I know I am not alone with this. I have had many labels thrown at me and I know the one that is accurate is one that the label doesn't make much sense. The weird thing is BPD has a list of 9 symptoms that when answering more thorough questionnaires I have most of them. But weirdly I don't really suffer that much from those symptoms. The pain is actually the emotional dysregulation. The 9 symptoms are just a result of that in different ways. That's the pain in the episode. The pain outside them is feeling pretty hopeless most of the time. For good reason. Since developing this condition, every little thing is so stressful my jaw becomes sore. Luckily I developed it after I completed a bachelors degree so I have some qualifications. I feel very alone. My mum is toxic and I have to live with her. I feel very let down by people. Most of my supports have left me at some point in this battle. Life feels like a nightmare. Even when I go to hospital, or call the police asking for help- I get treated like a bag of potatoes. I have seen there is a organisation called Spectrum that helps people with bpd. And then...who woulda thought but a 9 month waiting list. I honestly feel like this world is crazy. I don't even know why people want to live in it. All the heart has been sucked out of it by probably evolution under capitalism. I have been looking to get a peer support worker who has recovered from bpd- and even that seems like a process. I can barely afford the psychologist I see and definitely can't afford the psychiatrist I last saw about 3 months ago maybe. I definitely don't want to go into the public system as it actually made me worse. I felt so stigmatised, not empathised with and misunderstood. I keep calling for help and the help is actually the opposite usually. I'm completely and utterly lost with what seems to be a very unresearched illness that definitely isn't a personality disorder. But what I call emotional trauma disorder. Sorry about the long post but please help if possible as I feel like Ned Stark from game of thrones before he died. This affects 10% of sufferers in a very poor outcome. I don't understand why there is not the support systems in place for it? This world feels so heartless to me
