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I think I might be done

SJT63Senior Contributor01 Mar 2021, 11:38 am AEDT

I think I might be done

I ran away again on Friday night. I threw a few emergency things in a supermarket bag and bolted while he was out in the back yard smoking. I actually did it early that morning but succumbed to the begging and came home at lunchtime. By 10pm I'm backing out of the driveway with no plan.

I went to his place. After 15 minutes aimless driving I remembered I had his key on my set. His townhouse on the other side of the city that he hasn't been back to in almost a year. It has no internet or hot water and is hotter than hades. I barely got through the weekend with two fans and and icepack. It's a lot further from my work than my place and there are bridge tolls each way but at least I'm safe from his tyrades.

He hasn't tried to get in touch, which bothers me considering what he often threatens.

This morning I have sent a VERY long email to him. I decided that someone had to call him out about the childish, irrational and menacing way he deals with everyone, including me. Someone needed to present him with a few home truths and, in consultation with his father, I decided that ultimately I was the one with nothing to lose. If he walks out on me as a result it certainly wouldn't be the worst thing that's ever happened.

A few brief exerpts:

I know you are unaware of how menacing and belligerent you sound. To try to give you some context, most people go their entire lives without having the police or an ambulance called for them, or having security escort them from a premises, or have call centre workers cry and hang up on them or have their childrens' teachers refuse to return their calls.

I have reached the conclusion that you, perhaps subconsciously, do not want a peaceful, happy life. Every time I think things are starting to run smoothly you either create a new drama or resurrect an old one. I honestly believed that by giving you a comfortable home, nutritious food, a loving ear and a welcoming heart to your children you would find peace.

The realisation dawns on me that there is nothing in my power to make your life easier if you persist with this destructive self-sabotage.

I would like you to think about how you would feel if you overheard P..... speaking to your mother the way you speak to me sometimes. If he called her stupid, or a b.. or a s... or a c.... I don't believe I am any of those things. I know you love me but that doesn't mean what it should if you are unable to treat me with respect and dignity.

I know you won't like a lot of what I've had to say, but I had to say it. You probably won't agree, you will probably think I am betraying you and persecuting you the way you think the whole world does. Sometimes, stuff happens. It just happens; no one is to blame. You don't have to live your life as if you were always a victim.

Because here is the thing my forum friends, I also don't have to live my life as if I were a victim and I realise that's what I've been doing. I've had some very long conversations with his elderly father and have been given information about his early life and when things started to go wrong. My kinda sorta father in law asked me outright if I still wanted to be living on the roller coaster in 15 or 20 years time, if I wanted to be treated like this for the rest of my life. He pointed out that I am the one here that actually has a choice where I've been telling myself for the last year that I have no choice.

I didn't want to let his parents or his children down. I didn't want to let him down. Dad says no one is letting anyone down but he himself and that they are all amazed I've lasted so long. Dad thinks I should call the police and have him evicted from my house. I won't do that.

I have proposed that I spend a few nights a week at his place so I'm not walking on eggshells with no respite and we can then see how we feel after a couple of months. I'll have to go back to mine soon as I'm at work now in weekend clothes and I've left my satchel with some files in at home as well. I'll wait and see what response I get in the meantime and will buy a portable AC on the way home tonight.

Wish me luck.

77 replies

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In response to: I think I might be done

AppleblossomSenior Contributor17 Mar 2021, 4:13 pm AEDT

Re: I think I might be done

Hello @SJT63

I could only reaad a little of your post but I got the general drift. Been there, and I would like to assure you as a woman who has lived with a lot of manipulations and emotional blackmail. You deserve better. Dont diss on yourself. When 2 people are fighting over the log they can both drown, if he cannot be mature, you are better off out. Figure out the co-dependencies. Sorry if I am too brief. Going through own stuff atm.

In response to: I think I might be done

Shaz51Senior Contributor17 Mar 2021, 5:40 pm AEDT

Re: I think I might be done

hugs @SJT63

In response to: Re: I think I might be done

AnastasiaSenior Contributor19 Mar 2021, 11:09 pm AEDT

Re: I think I might be done

Are you ok @SJT63 ?

In response to: Re: I think I might be done

SJT63Senior Contributor20 Mar 2021, 12:05 am AEDT

Re: I think I might be done

Ok but sad and confused xoxo

In response to: Re: I think I might be done

AnastasiaSenior Contributor20 Mar 2021, 8:34 am AEDT

Re: I think I might be done

I'm sorry you are feeling this way. Want to talk about it? Here for you @SJT63

Sending hugs in the hope it helps a little bit x

In response to: Re: I think I might be done

HenryXSenior Contributor22 Mar 2021, 1:19 am AEDT

Re: I think I might be done

@SJT63

Hello SJT,

I am really sorry about your situation. From what you have said elsewhere, I believe you have put your best into the relationship. Not just the other person, but the extended family, parents and children.

Unfortunately, it is the other people in the picture whom we also learn to care for and about. That makes possible decisions sometimes so much more difficult to make.

My sincere concern is extended to You,

I feel assured that Your distress is felt by others

I believe I share with others from the forum

Extended to You with much Sadness

Sentiments of Support and Comfort

HenryX

In response to: Re: I think I might be done

SJT63Senior Contributor23 Mar 2021, 3:08 pm AEDT

Re: I think I might be done

@HenryX @Anastasia @Shaz51 @Appleblossom @Faith-and-Hope

The weekend was not too bad. Well, it started badly on Friday with me having an allergic reaction to the anitbiotics the dentist gave me and then falling in a crumpled heap. Sunday after three failed attempts we managed a bedroom session through to the end so he was a little happier. I won't go into all the reasons why the first three attempts fell in a hole, but of course it was all my fault. It usually is. The irony is that I've never seen such things as being anyone's fault, but I'm not a man.

A lot of things that need to be blamed on someone are not really even things, let alone things that require blame, but there you go.

I am a little bitter and twisted today.

Sunday he was fine. Sunday he was nice to be around. Sunday he even managed to send his poor dad and email apologising for he behaviour almost a month ago when he screamed like a banshee down the phone and hung up on him.

Last night his dad phoned and it went well and while Mr S was a bit fragile most of the evening, the boys were there and he kept it together. The door was slammed once because something wasn't gluing properly, but on the whole......

This morning he spilled a jar of pins onto his work bench and the dogs of war were once again unleashed. His inability to deal with even the smallest of frustrations send the negative thoughts racing through his mind and we were once again back onto the body corporate's decision to chop down his tree almost a year ago.

All along I've said "get legal advice" and today I am persona non-grata because I will not do it for him. The last time I ran away from home I sent an email pointing out why I think he doesn't have a leg to stand on, but if I'm wrong, GET LEGAL ADVICE.

This morning, as a result of the little thing that went a bit wrong (the pins) I was physically trapped and badgered until I gave a reason why I wouldn't sort out his place for him. I try very hard not to engage which is perhaps not the best tactic because this has been gurgling along for a bit... but forced into it I told him I don't want to "sort this for you" because 1. when I can't sort the problem out it will become my fault and 2. I don't want to appear foolish.

red rag

bull

If I'm not prepared to have this sorted (he thinks that the body corporate chairman will be gaoled if he refuses to pay for a new tree and/or fully ducted airconditioning out of his own pocket) then I will be forced to pay for it out of my own pocket.

I thought he was going to flatten me - but he didn't. I remained calm and spoke in low metered tones. I held my ground and just repeated "please let me go to work now" about a dozen times until he finally stepped aside.

I am super proud of myself for not agreeing to anything that made me uncomfortable. In the past I have put myself into some very awkward situations for him and ended up under fire from all sides. I don't want to do that any more.

I am super proud of myself for not crying, or begging, or apologising but calmly and with no temper or malice, quietly standing my ground. And he didn't hit me. And a little part of me kinda wishes he had, because that would give me permission to end it. I can see it on the horizon; the longer I refuse to play the game that puts him in charge of me the greater my chances of punishment.

BRING IT ON!

yes... not quite feeling myself today I'm afraid.

I've been told not to come home - but I have nothing with me as the emergency kit didn't make it back into the car since the flight 3 weeks ago. A bit closer to knock off time I will text and ask permission to come home first to collect some clothes etc.

Then he will give me permission to stay. In my own house ffs.

I feel very out of sorts, and I think it's because I'm angry. Anger is not an emotion I give in to very often and it doesn't sit well. I'm supposed to be patient and forgiving and I promise I am most of the time....

and I also don't do "poor me" all that often.. but today IT'S JUST NOT FAIR that all the drama he creates for himself should be my problem.

If you actually google "is it still gaslighting if my partner has aspergers" you get a very helpful article on GoodTherapy dot org.

thanks to all

In response to: Re: I think I might be done

AnastasiaSenior Contributor23 Mar 2021, 3:24 pm AEDT

Re: I think I might be done

Dear @SJT63

Hugs and love and a response when I can I promise. X

In response to: Re: I think I might be done

Unknown userMember23 Mar 2021, 4:41 pm AEDT

Re: I think I might be done

Hey @SJT63, I'm both sorry and alarmed by how you were treated. Sending lots of support your way 💐

I know that for a lot of us, physical violence can be seen as the most unambiguously bad way to be treated, but I'd like to affirm that physical intimidation, manipulation, coercion, verbal and emotional abuse, etc. are all also unacceptable ways to be treated; there's absolutelty permission to end things on the basis of any of these alone.

I'm aware that you are/have been in touch with forms of professional support including help lines, but for easy reference again, if you'd like more support you can contact 1800 RESPECT (1800 737 732).

It's great that you're standing your ground more and I encourage you to hold strong to yourself, your values, and your needs. Take good care

In response to: Re: I think I might be done

AnastasiaSenior Contributor23 Mar 2021, 5:19 pm AEDT

Re: I think I might be done

Hello @SJT63

I've left work now and can respond properly. Firstly I hear you. Secondly but no where near less so I am concerned for you.

Please hear me cause I genuinely care...

Please ask yourself a couple of things...

1. Is love enough?

2. How would you feel/react if this was your child in your position?

3. What advice would you give them?

I'm not going to say what to do, I don't have that luxury. Please though dig deep. I've been there, I know it's hard. The unknown IS scary. I wish I could be more than I can be in here but I am here for you holding your hand and sending you in abundance strength, hope, love and all that you need to make the best decision for you S. 🙏💕

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