Life of trauma, reliving everyday. *possibly triggering

hi @26aqua,

Thank you for sharing part of such a heavy load with us. There has been a tremendous amount happening for you, on the inside and out. I am really glad that you find this a safe space to express yourself and hope it can provide you with even a small sense of relief.

And thank you also, for letting us know that you are safe at the moment. Even so, I encourage you to reach out to services if and when you need. Whether that's Lifeline over the weekend, or our SANE Help Centre sometime during the week.

Take care

Hi @26aqua

I feel for all you are going through. It seems a huge and very painful time in your life.

I am guessing that your main reason for posting this time may be simply about getting some of the very big things you are going through out on the page. I often find writing helps me this way too, even if just a way to focus my mind when I am in distress, so that I don't have thoughts wildly coming at me from all directions in my mind, creating knots and great confusion, and increasing feelings of panic, which are the opposite of helpful.

From what you said in your post I am guessing your diagnosis may be borderline personality. Mine is bipolar 1. There is a fair bit of crossover between the two conditions including difficulty regulating emotions. I also have a lot of trauma from childhood that continues to intrude into my mind about 50 years after it happened. I am now 58.

I relate to what you said about being able to be upbeat and optimistic yet still be in real trouble at another level, also the rapid up and down nature of your feelings in general at this time.

In the past I have been a shocker for the big verbal guns. It's one of the hugest regrets of my life that I verbally abused my husband for pretty much the entire six years of our marriage. Weird and hard to believe for others, but I did not realise at the time that what I was doing was verbal abuse. In my mind it was honesty about what I was thinking and feeling. Also I was very sick indeed for those years, mentally and physically, misdiagnosed and in terrible tormenting pain.

This tendency to verbally abuse others has not entirely left me, especially if my meds are not right. Mostly it doesn't happen these days. When it does, it shatters my mind and makes things way worse for me, even aside from the damage it can do others. It was a horror for me to realise that the trauma I experienced had turned me into an abuser myself, a cruel twist of fate. I so do not want to be that person.

I too have had a too-close relationship with Maryjane over about 20 years. It also has not helped my mental health, but like you I have turned to it as a way to escape my seemingly deep and unfixable inner problems. Like you, I have found that psychology really only helps in small ways and even these can take a lot of time, though I do think the effect can slowly accumulate to give us a better life. So it is worth it for the long term improvements and I still have a psychologist who I value, but these days it's probably mostly as someone to talk to about things I share with nobody else.

It is such a pity that you are unable to access more support from your psychologist at this so difficult time. Is your GP able to give more regular time to you even just for someone to talk to between psych sessions? I am lucky that mine is great in many different ways and I would feel fine about turning to her if I was in need in that way.

To me your recent self-medication may have been somewhat warranted given the extremity of what you are going through. At such high states of distress doctors may prescribe relaxants to alleviate the pain and stress on body and mind. My GP and psychiatrist give me an ongoing supply of prn meds for this purpose. Most of the time I avoid them but in crises they are hugely helpful. I firmly believe that pain relief at acute times allows us to relax enough for some healing to kick in. So depending on what you are taking and how often, it may be okay to go easy on yourself about that. If possible it could be an idea to talk to your GP about it if you can.

One thing I wanted to suggest to you from what I read in your post: keep in mind that you are in the thick of a hurricane right now. The things you are experiencing are likely to be temporary in the long run. It seems important to me that in the midst of such overwhelming pain we remember that it will not be forever. This particular time you are going through seems also to be it's highest height of suffering. From where you are now it seems likely to me that things will start to feel less overwhelmingly painful in the not to distant future, just from the healing effects of time.

This has been a very long post in reply and probably does not offer much except perhaps a sense of some shared experiences between us. But I am so wishing you well during this major turning point of your life. May the future hold much brighter experiences that eventually eclipse what is happening now.

Hi @26aqua

I'm 35 and struggling through understanding my history as well. I was listening to a podcast the other day it is said something maybe helpful/relevant to your comment about having to do this work. I have felt that too- why do I have to be the one to pick up the pieces if I wasn't the one to do the damage. The podcast flipped it and said (I can't say it as well as they did) that that is a good thing- would you entrust your future into their ha da if they've already done so much damage. You are the one who knows best what you want your future to be.

I get the struggle of not having enough support because you 'function'. I am the same. By day I am considered high functioning, but that's on the outside. Inside I'm screaming and when I'm alone self destructive. I think that's even more worrying because no one will know when it's too late. Unfortunately squeaky wheel gets the oil.

Good @destructive advice to flip some negative experiences. Hope you are doing ok!

Thank you @Former-Member and @Truffles for stopping by. I'm still ok. Still working through it and trying to push past, I know these dark thoughts end up going away, and they aren't anywhere near as strong as they were. I'm trying to self talk, its OK to feel this way, it will pass and I am OK.

Thank you @destructive for sharing your experience and the pod cast note.

I think I'm struggling more with trying to take control of my life and seeing a fulfilling future, rather than expecting those who hurt me to fix me. In honesty, I don't think anyone can be fixed by someone else, to me its down to doing your own hard work. And I am putting in the hard work, I am trying to change my thinking, letting thoughts pass, acknowledge them, I'm doing mindfulness using the smiling mind app, I'm writing in my journal, writing here and finding support through others understanding, I'm taking time out to listen to music, to relax and calm. I'm doing all the things I've learnt about and im trying. I know I shouldn't expect so much of myself so soon but the outcomes seem the same.

I find it difficult to express what I'm going through, because everyone keeps saying 'that's a lot to deal with, you are doing so well keeping it together' it doesn't feel like it's altogether in my mind, everything is confusing, overwhelming and chaotic - but my need or maternal will to keep my children from suffering the same is what keeps me pushing through and keeping the house, not succumbing to the the desires to drinking or uppers or lay in bed and hide for days. It is purely out of my experiences I've had, I do not want my kids to suffer those same experiences and I trust no one else to shelter them from those type of experiences. But I'm drowning in it. Inside I'm losing and its suffocating. In the relationship side, I wanted him to understand and be supportive and take time to learn with me, I've told him many times before "you can not fix me". He took everything personal even when I tried to communicate "this is what my mind is saying and I logically know xyz, but still feel abc".

@Mazarita thank you for sharing your experience. My mum is bipolar and for a while I believed that is what was happening to me. I was dx bpd and cptsd. And yes, plenty of crossover symptoms.

I don't know why, but I'm too fearful of asking my gp for something else to help. When I first met with him, he wanted me to try a different ssri, due to my last experience with what I believe and my psychologist also believes was an elevated state while taking ssri, I am very reluctant to try other medications. The one I'm currently been prescribed is an atypical antipsychotic, low dose, to help with sleep in the evenings. Initially I was taking 2 at night and 1 in the morning, after seeing my gp for a new script, and talking about some of the side effects (weight gain, glucose increase etc) he has pulled me back to one tablet in the evenings. As long as I am calm and not disrupted (kids arguing, text message) i can usually go off to sleep and it helps. But plenty of times, in my worked up states, it doesn't help me to find sleep, and using mj helps with that, gives me a near on knock out effect when combined with night time med.

I'll discuss this next time I see him.

He told me last time to keep seeing my therapist, and he would see me in 2 months, when I am due for a new script. He is trained in mh, I found him after feeling like the previous one wasn't doing enough to get me help (it was a large drs surgery with drop in appts and hard to see the same gp, I was having to chase up referrals to make sure they had been sent, call different specialists to see if they had open books - which most did not, and kept hitting brickwalls. My gp before that (before I moved interstate) wasn't hearing me either. I went to her when I started the ssri and told her I thought it made me feel too different and I was told to keep going with it, it was a low dose and a widely popular one, my family and friends encouraged it too, I felt like no one was hearing me, so I did what they all said, I kept going and when things were still not right and getting worse, I saw a new gp (id moved interstate) and she doubled my dose "to knock this depression on the head" I'd tried telling this gp I did not feel depressed or like depression was my main issue, again I was told to try the meds and go from there. It ended up in a meltdown, explosive.

I try to rationalise this is temporary, this is going to get better with time and education and therapy. But it also feels like the more im learning, the more aware I become, the harder it is. It is bringing up so much from my past and blurring the lines between the present and past.

I can honestly say, yes I have been verbally abusive, to many people in my life. I find when I'm not meeting their expectations or vice versa, I feel the need to explain what I feel and, like you, it to me comes as truth, rather than an explicit verbal attack. Its not until after the fact and generally I don't remember alot of words, but the feeling of you hurt me, I hurt you back and I realise what I've done.

Yes, this post was about getting things out, I know when I admit my thoughts and they are heard by another, it helps validate what I'm experiencing without hurting the ones I love. I don't like people close to me hurting because of things I feel. I don't want my mum to feel guilty over the past, I know she had her own struggles with mh and I forgive her. I understand her more these days than I ever have. I don't like telling her or my sister my thoughts of not living are overwhelming, they go into panic, and I don't want that. I've managed to keep them as thoughts without acting for 22 years. I think I'm also just trying to be honest with myself. I feel great shame having these thoughts, wanting it to all go away and hate the burden on people who love and care, worrying if I'll be OK. I've kept them to myself for so long, the more I'm acknowledging those, the more I feel in control, because telling someone im feeling that way means someone is concerned and I can't let them down.

Sorry its such a long post. I think I'll be journalling most of today, I started not long after waking up, feeling anxious of what today may bring.

A day at a time.

Thank you all for your support and care and for sharing your experiences. It helps me feel grounded/connected.

Good morning, @26aqua,

Totally agree with you that we can be helped to get to better places in our lives by other people, sometimes a lot, but the bottom line of it all is being able to make good use of that in helping ourselves. Sounds like you are doing a lot for yourself even in the midst of very difficult times, really taking up a lot of techniques you have learned to help yourself.

Hearing you about the difficulty of the meds journey with conditions like ours. It's a pity that the current meds are the best the medical world has to offer us at this time. It will most likely be easier for people in the future when better options are discovered. For some reason thinking about how much worse my life might have been at earlier times in history gives me some consolation and gratitude, despite how difficult and insufficiently helpful meds are now.

I also get what you are saying about psychological therapy sometimes seeming to make it worse. Lately I have been trying to explain to my psych support people that it's personally got the point with me where all the CBT and other thought training techniques I have learned over the years has gone a bit crazy in my head, and basically created too much self-dialogue, some of it contradictory, often distressing. For me these effects seem almost like a bad side effect of therapy, just like the side effects of meds. Again, I think psychology has only got so far in its effectiveness at this time in history and we have to just make the most of what we've got.

This is not to say that these things do not help. I know that they have helped me a lot over time. I just find them very far from perfect and personally now find it better if I am not expecting unrealistic things from them, such as an actual cure, as I used to think would happen when I was younger.

Back in 1990 at one of the worst times with mental health in my life, I basically journalled my way through that whole crisis year, a huge amount of writing. It may have been the main thing keeping me alive. I also eventually ended up being able to draw on some of that writing for a later creative project that I shared publicly and even won an award. That was a big and unexpected positive thing to come out of that terrible time. Glad to hear it's one of your healing tools as well.

Long posts don't bother me at all or require any apology. But I apologise for my long one in reply. I seem to mostly write long posts even when I'm trying to be brief!

Hoping today flows okay for you with some moments of hope.

Hi @26aqua

I just wanted to reach out and offer you some support at such a turbulent and painful time in your life

Living with trauma can be incredibly overwhelming, painful, scary and exhausting So often we can find ourselves unexpectedly triggered by seemingly innocent and uneventful situations, or we’re suddenly buried underneath an avalanche of distressing memories and emotions that just seem to come out of nowhere

I’m so sorry to hear that you’ve been wrestling with self-harm This is an absolutely distressing and painful place to be and my heart goes out to you When I’m battling with thoughts and feelings of self-harm, it feels as though I’m underwater and I’m starting to run out of air. My chest is tight and my lungs are burning and I’m so desperate to be able to reach the surface to take a breath that I don’t care how I get there! In these moments, it’s virtually impossible to find the relief that my mind and body are screaming out for! Nothing that I can think of is strong enough to quench the intensity of the thoughts and feelings that have completely engulfed and overwhelmed me! It’s a pain and a level of turmoil and distress that’s almost impossible to describe

I can really hear your despair, anger and frustration in terms of the frequency of your appointments with your Psychologist and what this means for you in terms of your wellbeing and recovery. Three weeks between appointments must feel like an absolute eternity and I can really appreciate why you need more regular support

It’s so difficult to access the additional therapy and support that we need when we’re living from pay cheque to pay cheque I’ve been doing a little bit of brainstorming to see if I could think of anything that may be helpful for you and I came up with a few ideas that may be of interest to you

I just wondered if you’ve heard of an organisation called Relationships Australia? I’m not too sure whereabouts you live, but from memory, some of their branches provide counselling for people who have experienced trauma As such, I just wondered if this is something that you would feel comfortable to explore further From my understanding, their fees are calculated on a sliding scale and they also make a point of saying on their website that ‘fee reduction is available to all of their clients’

Also, sometimes the Universities have Psychology clinics that are open to members of the community For example, one of the universities not too far from where I live, have a Psychology clinic where they offer counselling with a provisional Psychologist. Although you can’t claim a Medicare rebate (provisional Psychologists are provisionally registered with the Psychology Board of Australia and as such they’re ineligible for a Medicare provider number) they do significantly reduce their fees. As such, a 50 to 60 minute counselling appointment for a person who has a concession card is $25

Finally, I just wondered if you have a Health Care Card issued by Centrelink? Sometimes if you have this (and a mental health care plan completed by your GP) some private Psychologists will offer to bulk bill you for the 10 subsidised appointments that you can receive through the Medicare Better Access Initiative. It’s also my understanding that due to Covid-19, people can access an additional 10 appointments, which would mean that you may be eligible to attend 20 bulk billed appointments with a private Psychologist per calendar year However, although this can provide a great opportunity for people to be able to receive some additional short term support, it can also create some additional challenges and distress, as it can be really difficult to begin to develop a relationship with a Therapist and start to share your story, only to have to stop seeing them a short time later

I really hope that this helps you a little bit

Please know that I’m thinking of you and sending you love and hugs at this very difficult time

Take care,

ShiningStar

@Mazarita thank you.

I probably have a lot of concerns with regards to medications because of my mums history as well, using them, stopping them abruptly, using alcohol and taking extras, and knowing myself my struggles with alcohol and mj, added I worry about long term effects. In saying that, I'm not against them, I just fear what I have to go through to find the 'fit'.

The community mental health team recommended to my gp I get counselling for trauma as well as seeing my psychologist, he told me my psychologist is very well trained in all aspects in my regards and he thinks too much would be more confusing. I'm at a loss.

@ShiningStarthank you for your suggestions, i have a hcc, a mhcp and my psychologist is bulk billing me, my eldest daughter has an eating disorder, is on asd spectrum (unofficially dx but psych has said yes yes yes) and is seeing a child clinical psychologist fortnightly, plus a dietician specialising in eating disorders. I haven't been able to get her back to gp just yet, I need to change her mhcp to include eating disorder and then access to dietician rebate, atm, $190 p/visit without rebate. Plus $180 for her psychologist, with $87 rebated.

I do think I'll try to find some more support elsewhere. Blueknot and lifeline I've read some things about and may be able offer assistance or point me in the right direction at least..

I'm just so overwhelmed by everything, and everytime I have to rehash "this is what is happening" it gets me over emotional. And it sucks having to be honest about how I feel to strangers over and over.

I think I've been disassociating the last few days. I have an emotional "block" I feel numb and confused.

Thank you both for your continued support and understanding 💜💙💜

Hi @26aqua

You’re very welcome I had a feeling that you probably already had these things in place - but I just thought that I would double check

With everything that’s happening for you and your daughter, it’s no wonder that you’re feeling really overwhelmed and experiencing a degree of dissociation

Being asked to repeatedly share what’s happening for us by strangers is never easy and sometimes this can leave us feeing fragile and extremely emotional In my experience, saying things out loud seemed to make them all the more real and the enormity of what I was grappling with hit home with a vengeance!

Specialist appointments can be so expensive! Hopefully accessing some support via an Eating Disorder Plan will go a little way to reducing some of the costs associated with these

Blue Knot and Lifeline have some great resources and I’m sure that they will be able to guide you in the right direction when you feel the time is right for you to access some additional support

With so much on your plate right now, please don’t worry if you’re unable to reach back - there’s absolutely no expectation or pressure

Thinking of you and sending you love and hugs

Take care of yourself,

ShiningStar