Connect with people who understand what you are going through, seek advice and surround yourself with support. We're free, anonymous, and professionally moderated 24/7.

47,612Members
1,358,869Posts
1,400,000Visitors

What's the point?

blackdogContributor25 Aug 2016, 1:16 am AEST

What's the point?

I don't even feel like writing this. Something inside me says "whats the point?". And I believe that is true. I think people are sick of hearing my stuff and in alot of ways I'm sick of telling it. I also feel that people are too caught up in their own lives to genuinly care. I call lifeline, mensline, beyond blue, SANE and almost any other service that has a helpline but it never seems to help, not for long anyway. These days I've taken to terminating the conversations early because I realise "what's the point?", the person on the other end of the phone doesn't really want to hear this stuff.

I've officially had severe mental illness for 15 years, but I've struggled with anxiety and panic attacks for much longer than that, and the list of diagnoses and speculation about what is going on for me are as long as a coal train. Nobody knows what's beneath it all, least of all me and the more I dig the more confused and lost I get. I feel with each passing day that I become more worthless and less hopefull. I feel doctors, psychiatrists, psychologists just give up and the more the window of hope shrinks, the more desperate I get. I feel the mental health professionals say to themselves "what's the point?".

I haven't held a job in 4 years but I'm still required to look. I don't know how I'm suppose to hold a job when I can't even shower, brush my teeth or cook myself a meal.

Shame and self loathing make up my self esteem, mixed with those general feelings of anger, frustration, irritability, distress, sadness and simply overwhelmed.

I often ask myself why am I like this? Why do I do these things? What's wrong with me!? Why would a child of 12 stick a loaded gun to their head, and why would that child all grown up at 38 still think suicide is a good option and bash their head against a brick wall or say stupid things in front of their two year old child like they were going to take their own life. Yes I had a rocky childhood myself but that doesn't seem to hold some people back. People tell me of the success stories of refugees and other people from tough situations like it's suppose to suddenly snap me out of the place I'm in and I will go on to great things and a happy and fullfilling life. And if you can't "snap out of it" for your kids then what other motivation do you need????

I don't have friends, I don't have family. I live alone and have an AVO against me and can only spend limited time with my children mostly because I can't cope having them for too long.

I don't even know why I'm saying this stuff, I know there's no point, but when you're alone and desperate, I guess you do desperate things for connection and understanding.

I don't even want any replies to this, I'm writing this for myself more than anything and to occupy my time because I can't sleep or concentrate on a book or the TV. Typing this may be better than sitting alone with a ton of guilt on my mind. But after typing this I sit here contemplating hitting cancel, should I share my insane drama with the world..... And "what's the point" even if I do?

15 replies

11 - 15 of 15

1 2

In response to: What's the point?

PrincessmollySenior Contributor26 Aug 2016, 8:13 pm AEST

Re: What's the point?

How are you today @blackdog

In response to: Re: What's the point?

InhopeCasual Contributor26 Aug 2016, 8:36 pm AEST

Re: What's the point?

Hello, i am better today, as it was a little better for my partner, thank you for asking

And how are you?

In response to: What's the point?

DIZ710Senior Contributor27 Aug 2016, 5:30 am AEST

Re: What's the point?

I just want say that by writing what you wrote is a step in the right direction because you are reaching out by telling your experience with mental health.

I too was ubable to get the proper help and care that I so desperately needed. Unlike you I did not know that there were other places to get help besides mental health hospitals. Which I avoided like the plague unless I was involuntarily admitted.
Which by the way did not help me as they consistently miss diagnosed me since I was very good at hiding my true emotions and feelings as I had been doing it since I was 12

It was only when I hit abosolute rock bottom and my husbabd begged my doctor to help ne did I finally get the help I needed

I know from my own experience as a nurse that men have great difficulry in expressing how they are really feeling and are also very good at hiding it from everyone

I do not have any concrete answers for you but I do know this you deserve to be happy and to have your children in your life.

So whatever you do do not give up on yourself. If you can keep going to different doctors I found GPs more receptive and helpful. You will find one that will care and that will commence the correct care plan and if need be medications which will be the beginning of a hapoier life for you.

Write down how you feel and do not hold back. Write it exactly as it is. Do this for a week or maybe even two if you can. Also write down your sleeping habits, any nightmares you may have, your eating habits and whether or not you are able to face seeing people even your loved ones. Write down every time you get anxious and how it makes you feel and for how long it lasts each time if you can.

Take all of this to the doctors because with this informatuon they can not deny that you are suffering and require medical help

You need to be brutally honest with yourself to do this but you have proven here rhat you can do this

You asked "Whats the Point" the point is that you deserve to be hapoy. You deserve to be the dad you want to be. Your children deserve to have you in their lives no matter the ups and downs that may come. You deserve to live.

I fully understand how life shattering it is to have your children taken away from you and to have the law go against you. I too had my baby's because that's what they were when they were taken from me. I was denied visitation rights due to my irrational violent behaviour at the time. I also went to prison.
So my advise is not only as a nurse but is from soneone who has suffered and eventually after years of not getting help It finally came. So will yours you just have to stay strong.

In response to: What's the point?

blackdogContributor28 Aug 2016, 10:40 am AEST

Re: What's the point?

I'm very humbled by the replies I've received to this post. I'm amazed that it has “resonated” with some of you. I also feel sad that others have suffered like I have.

I’m familiar with Russ Harris, I’ve read happiness trap but not the reality slap. Worth a go thanks @Former-Member.
I’m a bit of a veteran in the MH system and know the ACT, CBT, meditation, mindfulness, counselling, antidepressants and I’m terrible at self compassion, I feel like bashing myself half the time.

@Princessmolly thank you for reaching out. You sound like a sensitive and compassionate person. Thanks for your genuine care and concern.

Thanks to every single one of you that have taken the time to reply. Your kind words, advice and personal stories have not gone unnoticed. At least I know that some people do care.

I live in a medium sized town in country, NSW. Population of close to 30,000 people. I’ve previously lived in 3 other areas with my mental illness and my current area is by far the worst place I’ve lived for mental health professionals. Or perhaps it’s just because I’m getting older so, like I said in the original post, they say to themselves "what’s the point?".

I have reached out to numerous people who work in the mental health system (including psychologists), and the silence has been deafening from some, and the others clearly have no clue of what it’s like to have mental illness and I wonder for what reasons they are in their position.

I personally sit here and a “theme song” to all this plays in my mind. Disturbed - The Sound Of Silence. I know it’s a Simon and Garfunkel song but disturbed’s version “resonates” with me best. I think they should build a mental illness marketing campaign around this song. To educate everyone! Those with mental illness, those who have never experienced it and those “mental health professionals” that work in the system. People are too quick to blame, criticise and judge.
People need to try more empathy, compassion, vulnerability and understanding.
The sounds of silence seems to fit for so many reasons.

In response to: What's the point?

Unknown userMember02 Mar 2017, 9:47 pm AEDT

Re: What's the point?

😑

11 - 15 of 15

1 2