Life is complicated.

I wish I knew how to explain my experiences to my gf. She wants to understand and to some extent she does, but she doesn't understand schizophrenia at all. It upsets me she refers to my voices as demons and jokingly tells these demons to 'the power of Christ compells you demon to leave'. I'm not religious but I do believe in demons and I don't think I am posessed at all.

Also she is now getting upset that I have chosen to stay in hospital and get more treatment. She truly believes that despite strong suicidal ideation, I'd be better off at home. I tried to explain to her that I had a plan and a means to enact that plan, and that those suicidal auditory hallucination commands are still happening. She is in tears sometimes and has also reverted back to self harming herself which is a bit of a worry nonetheless.

I don't want to upset her, as I love her and I know she loves me, but I gotta get help for me before I self destruct.

She has been posting heaps of pictures of us on social media and because of this a friend of mine (who seemingly took advantage of me more than a few times) has blocked me on social media, even though I don't contact her that frequently. While I am learning not to loan money or my stuff to people anymore because of this 'friend', it hurts that they have now decided to shut me out of their live after treating me like a sister for so long.

I'm still pining after my dead pet rat too. Never got the chance to say goodbye to his furry little soul.

Life is just complicated.