Relationship-Path forward?

@0space0

Thank you for being so open about where you are at. I will respond. I'm just not in a position to at the moment. When I am, I will respond.

Powderfinger

@0space0

Hi.

I can't and wont tell you what to do. The decision has to be yours. The longer you stay, the more damage that is done. Its like a horrible merry go round. You can't leave and you cant stay. I ended the relationship with my recent ex. It has not yet even been two weeks. Everyones journey is very different and is definitely their own. I do miss my ex. I don't miss how I was being treated. I didn't want to end my relationship. I felt that was all that was left to do. I have so much of my own healing to do.

Perhaps questions to ask yourself is why are you trying to see if there is any good in him? Are you waiting to see if there is hope that he can be good and that he can change? I am not sure? He will only change if he wants to change. I used to say to my ex, you need to want to change for you first, not me and then comes us. I would say that because if she was doing it just for me, I could see how that would create more issues than solutions. (same sex relationship)

I think the devastation for me is that she did not fight for "us". I feel very sad about it. When I ended the relationship, it was not because I was not in love anymore, I was in love. I just couldn't cope anymore. Im not ready to see a counsellor yet. Back to you though, our head and heart often feel differently from the other. If his choices and behaviour go unaddressed by him, he is not going to change. Even if they were addressed, he still needs to realise that what he is doing is wrong and that he is commiting acts of violence. That also needs to come with no buts. This is a very difficult stage for abusers to get to and some never get there.

This is the thing I know. Nobody can tell you when to leave. That needs to be up to you. That decision is yours to make. This nightmare can be really hard to work through and it is such a massive process to go through. Nobody deserves to be abused. Abuse is not love.

Powderfinger.

I am so bloody distraught right now, I had been responding to @Powderfinger , spent the last 30 writing, and hit something in my phone and now it's all gone!!!

Probably just rambling anyway.

To the point: How do you let go, when they won't let you?

@0space0

Sorry to hear that you lost all you wrote. It's happened to me before too.

In answer to your question, I'm unsure in what capacity he will not let you go? I'm assuming from the abuse you have endured it's more likely a possessive action/s rather than feeling sad to lose you and wanting to save his relationship?

My answer to that one. You have to keep walking regardless of his choices to not let you go. You shouldn't be anyone's prisoner. I didn't want to let my ex go but had to.

If you are thinking about leaving, you can call 1800 respect National Domestic Violence Line and they can help support you through that. They are really good. I have used them in the past myself.

Powderfinger

Unfortunately @Powderfinger it was all in the message I lost.

I had to move out. We live separately. His crocodile tears and manipulative pleading are what keep me going back.

@0space0

It's alright. I actually thinkoving out was a great idea. It gives you a bit more of your power and freedom back. I can understand how you can be reeled back in time and time again. I feel that if and when you are ready 1800 respect would be a great resource too for extra support around you with people who understand as well. I can also suggest building up your strength and laying boundaries.

Powderfinger.

Thank you @Powderfinger !

I really am sorry you're hurting too! ❤ to us both!

Hi,

I'm new here but I actually joined this community because I'm experiencing something quite similar with my ex (we've only been separated about two months after a six year relationship).

I know that fear. That sick, shaking fear at both the thought of being in the same room with them (and how terrified and out-of-control they can make me feel with their relentless criticism, control and unpredictability); and the fear that that was the best I could do - that they were as perfect as I told myself countless times, and I'm the one who's broken like they told me countless times.

I suffered regular (I mean once a week, at least) panic attacks while we were living together and was diagnosed with GAD. They suffer from childhood trauma, depression, and substance abuse.

I'm a mess, but I haven't had a real panic attack for two months in spite of the stress of trying to extract myself, collect my stuff, negotiate the lease on our business... But I'm still SO hopeful every time they're kind or funny to me in messages, and I can feel myself falling back in. I look at old photos of us and our business and I'm still filled with sadness and longing.

Of course my advice to you would be to try really hard to take the advice you'd give to me. But...

I also think that abuse is like training, and it's really hard to break. It becomes part of the theatre of the relationship, along with all the good stuff. Like your memory is wiped each night while you sleep in the hope that you'll get a better version of them tomorrow or that you'll find the perfect strategy so it's always like it is when it's good. That cycle is familiar. It took a long time to break down your boundaries, your self esteem, your independence and to create the bad habits. Don't expect to be miraculously free of them.

Maybe think of it like being an addict? Relapse is extremely dangerous, but it's common, human, and doesn't mean you shouldn't keep trying to get clean. Keep busy, wait out the withdrawals, ask for help staying away.

...My sister has my house key 'cause I'm not allowed to go there alone anymore. And it feels better than you'd think.