Hey @Zoe7
I needed time away from everything, so haven't been in to the forums for a while.
I had a cpl of weeks without seeing him, a few texts and then he tells me he misses me and starts telling me all these things.
Then he wanted to see me, if only just for cuddles he said. I said yes I'd like cuddles.
Since then,nearly two weeks ago, Im realising he possesses a fair few narcissistic traits. I've been questioning myself, am I really over reacting? Is this really my fault?
My psych reacted noticeably when I told him about s/o showing up on my bday in the middle of the night/morning. He asked me what I said, did. I told him, I first made a statement "I'm glad you did what you wanted and not what I wanted". He said good. I told him I exploded after that. Which he said is completely understandable, s/o disrespected me and crossed a line. Psych asked if I have keys back, which I do. He said good.
He told me to keep reaffirming my boundaries.
Which I have been doing. I have been doing so freaking well managing myself over the last cpl of weeks.
But it all came to ahead this morning.
How dare I speak to him like that.
How dare I say those things to him.
I told him I resented him for something. I told him I could maybe see the others point of view of close family he has "cut off" completely. I told him to stop making other people hurt and pay for choices he has made. To stop laying guilt for his choices, I shouldn't have to feel guilty about a choice he made regarding his family because he is so hurt by it I can't or my kids can't do, be, act xyz.
I told him a few things, well I was pretty much yelling. But I wasn't in a rage. I wasn't exploding. I spilling a few things out.
I know I have alot to work on, I need alot of therapy for many different things in my life. And I am working on all these things.
This morning I realised it won't matter how much effort I try to put into this relationship, it will never work. He doesn't see the manipulative and emotionally damaging things, words behaviours he has and whilst I can admit to my weaknesses and failings, he won't ever accept he has any part in our relationship's issues, it is all my fault. Every single time. Even him coming to my house, on my birthday, after I told him no, I didn't want him here - he still came. I'm ungrateful. He kept referring to my gifts when he visited.
He had my keys yesterday, in case I wasn't home and he got here before me. I asked for my keys this morning after he told me "I'm done, you are wiped, just like the rest of them" and he threw them at me.
Grrr. Why am I so forgiving? Why do I allow him to come back? I only ever wanted to be loved and cherished. But unless I'm playing his tune, I'm a nasty piece of work.
Last year when he told me to move out of his place, the way he said and did things, people were telling me it was dv, he was emotionally abusing me and my kids.
I didn't want to believe I was in a similar situation again. I didn't want to believe this man I loved, wanted and chose to move states to be with would be so emotionally manipulative.
My psych made me think on something. I was telling him how s/o has an untreated cancer, his choice, he had 2 opinions and decided his fate for himself. I had 3 people close to me pass due to cancer sucking their life away not long before relationship with s/o, so I truly feel in every one choosing their own path for cancer, treatment or not, it is your body, your choice. So it wasn't hard for me to fall into reasoning "but he has cancer and he has been really sick this week" "I can't leave him alone, no one will look after him when he is really sick" "this isn't fair to burden him with xyz" I have made so many bloody excuses for this man and keep taking him back. My psych asked me if I thought s/o could be manipulating his illness to keep me in line. And ya know, he always seems to be really sick and not up to dealing "with this shit" when there is an issue, problem, with me or kids or something else.
Today, right now I feel strong. I feel strong enough to say no, this is not happening any more.
I know he said he wiped me, he has said it before, he is done, no more, he isn't going to sit hear and listen to me after everything he has done for me and my girls, after he has done more for my kids than ANYONE else has ever done in their life (in less than 2 - 3 years) and how ungrateful i am.
I know he will try, at some point to talk to me again. I know I will feel lonely and want to feel loved again.
I'm just grateful I see my psych again on wed, I can talk about this and maybe get a few suggestions on how to handle this, and not let him back in.
My ex used to use s all the time to keep us together. If it was not for me he would be nothing, nobody, I made him a better person and he couldn't ever live in a world without me, he could never be with anyone but me and if he couldn't be with me he would just take his life. He would tell me how he would try to do it. My fear of my kids not having a relationship with their dad (based on my own experiences growing up and an instilled belief i had to stay with my kids father to keep them safe and have a loving relationship with both parents and the dream of having my own, stable, unbroken home) and me being the cause of his demise, I stayed in a physical and emotionally abusive relationship for 13 yrs.
And I've just realised I'm likely drowning in an emotionally abusive partner all over again.
I feel horrible.
I feel like I failed.
I tried to protect my kids, and I failed. One is already in therapy, I need to get the other in as well. I need to change their future now. I need them to learn how to set boundaries, how to have open communication and how to be in a truly loving relationship. And if it wasn't for this maternal pull, this core desire for my kids to have a better life than I, I don't think I'd have made it this far.
My kids are my biggest blessing, and while I have them with me, I know I will get through, I have to for them.
I'm sorry for such a long post. I might go journal for a bit. Alot I need to get out. Alot I want to note down to discuss with psych.
Take care lovely, 💙💜💙 I hope you have been well.
