I want to thank you all for your support, understanding and kind words.
I feel kind of stuck.
Not sure what to tackle first.
Where to start.
I tidied up my room today. After removing his belongings out last week, it was empty in places and my things were disorganised. I've made a safe place, I have a chair I can sit in, with a small table beside it, I put up some photos of my girls and other special momentos, its a safe haven for me.
I'm frustrated with my girls, in particular my nearly 13 going on 30 yr old. Instead of the compassionate young lady the week prior, she has turned attitudey, back chatty and damn rude to her sister and myself. I know things have been hard, I am trying to let it go and remember she's only young and has alot to deal with.
I'll call my s/o Mr L. I don't know what he is. I don't know if its a break we're needing or what.
He's told me I made him feel delusional and made him feel like a crap person. He told me he has questioned himself because of me, the things I've said to him.
There have been times I've been truly lousy and said things like 'I never want to see you again, I wish I never moved here, I hate you'.
He calls my meltdowns/episodes/explosions attitude.
He told me I have had attitude with him for months and I've changed. He wants the old me back.
I feel like the old me he is referring to is the depressed, people pleasing, self hating, surviving mode of me.
I have to say I really don't think I can remember a period of time I was myself (if I even know what that is) during the last several years. I've tried explaining I've noticed patterns (something to talk to psych about) and can see where some comes from.
I feel like he takes my feelings to personal, like when I would say "when you do/don't do/say this i feel like this". I feel like I tried to communicate but he was responding to me, rather than really understanding.
He told me he doesn't understand my illness. That makes me angry. I've been asking him to reach out for professional advice, to talk to my mh team and I even sent links from reputable sites of information. I'm still trying to understand and come to terms with what's happening inside my head. How the hell am I supposed to educate him too?
He is sick, he is exhausted. I am too. I am sad because I feel like I wasn't enough, never was going to be enough and all this is put onto me.
I feel alone. I'm angry. I'm hurt. I don't know who I am. I haven't known who I am for, well, for a very long time. I've never been able to fill out those "a bit about me" or "who am i" . I've always kinda blended into the circumstances around me.
Yep, I am lost.
He came to get his belongings but left all his furniture. I wasn't home when he did. I made sure not to be. I told him I wasn't sure how I would react and it would be better for all of us to not tempt fate.
I can feel he is hurt. He feels like I turned my back on him.
No, I just can not cope. I don't know how to move forward, I don't know how to explain anymore than I have and I need some guidance, from a professional who knows how to proceed.
So I cleaned my room, and then the vacuum shat itself. Well, not entirely. So I pulled the damned thing apart. I googled you tube and well, in my haste to put it back together left out 4 screws. It hasn't changed, its doing the same thing, so I think a service should fix it and I didn't break it any more.
I'm thinking about getting a rescue dog. But it all seems to hard right now.
Everything seems too hard. But I'm trying. And I'm still putting one foot in front of the other. Ahhhh.
Again, thank you all, 💜💙💚💙💜
