Torn between caring for my husband and our young kids

Hi all. I'm new to this forum and after reading a few of the posts am quite sure I'm in the right place.

I care for my husband (married for 5 years, together 12), who hasnt got a concrete diagnosis but was tentatively diagnosed with bipolar on his last hospital stay. He also has cptsd, and fits the bill perfectly for BPD and rejection sensitive dysphoria. He is chronically suicidal and has made three attempts in the past (I met him as inmates in an adolescent psych ward after his first attempt). He would have a proper diagnosis but his main psychologist (who is absolutely excellent) doesn't like to label her patients 😕

I also care for our three children, 5yo, 3yo, and 1yo. My husband can’t live with us full time because he tends to become very erratic and has had a few (manic?) episodes in the past where he lost control and was screaming and breaking stuff. He also gets irritable, yells at the kids and nit-picks our eldest’s behaviour to a ridiculous degree when he’s more unwell. He rents a room in a sharehouse that's walking distance from my place, and stays there three nights a week. I find that the three nights away is enough of a reset for him that he is able to be calm and present when he’s here, and be respectful to the kids.

I’m trying really hard to listen to my intuition and tell him to go to his other place when my gut tells me it’s needed. I find it very hard to trust my intuition but it’s been right pretty much most of the time so far! It’s really tough though because when I can see he needs to go, he’s already in a very anxious state of mind and gets extremely hurt and rejected when I ask him to go to his other place. I try to avoid having to ask him to go by having set days where he knows he stays at his other place, but things are fluid sometimes and he’ll come here to help with housework or for dinner on his off nights and then we’ll forget he’s supposed to go.

It’s so hard. I feel torn between caring for and being there for my husband, who is a beautiful, wonderful, loving man, and for our kids. I have to prioritise the well-being of the kids at the expense of his mental well-being and it breaks my heart to hurt him. I’m in this for the long haul, we believe marriage is forever so I’m not giving up, but damn it it’s bloody hard. When he is able to see things clearly he sees how much I love him and all I do to care for him, but when he’s in the middle of fight/flight and his brain is screaming at him, it looks to him like I hate him and am trying to undermine and control him.

I’m not sure what the point of this post is, I suppose to introduce myself and my situation. I’m scared he’s going to go through with his suicidal ideation that never goes away, and I’ll be a young widow with three small traumatised children. I’m stressed and stretched far too thin, and have no friends to talk to about it (I suspect I am on the autism spectrum and/or have ADD, which accounts for my inability to make friends).

Anyway. Hello all, I’m happy I’ve found this forum with people who understand this unique pickle we all seem to be in. I hope to stay for a while!