26aquaSenior Contributor
Sour Milk!
The milk didn't turn sour, I turned sour over milk!
Why did it have to go sour today?
I had a bad sleep. S/o came over last night, we talked a bit. I explained some things I’ve been feeling and realising in the last couple of days. I think he is starting to understand some things, others still not at all.
But this is where I learnt too, I can’t expect him to understand something, especially of my feelings, if I can’t understand it myself.
So, he came over last night, it was a good night, we talked, and I listened. He started messing around the yard and it was after 8.30pm, I was tired and because of having my medication, I was having double the effects from standing and moving around. I went inside and ended up falling into a light sleep on the couch. He and kids came in about 9.30 and they had ice cream. S/o was going to watch tv, but I said I was ready for bed, I was feeling very heavy. He has a bad back and due to his activities outside, he was in some pain. So, we both had a very restless sleep.
He woke about 5am and I woke soon after as he was going to sneak out, said he was going to leave a note for me, he didn’t want to wake me to say he was leaving in case I’d have a meltdown because he was going. I told him I would have had a meltdown if I woke up and he was gone.
We were talking and communicating, I was using words and telling him why I would have felt whatever - and he was able to give me his side, which in time will help me try to tell myself what’s happening instead of all the worst things that could.
He asked if I wanted to come up to his place, but I explained it being my only day off I had washing to do and organise a few other things - but I’d see how I went with time and how I was feeling, and we might come up for a visit. (he lives an hour away). I went back to sleep until nearly 8am. I woke up, I felt good, I knew his plans and I thought yep, I can get onto this washing and chores and have time for a visit, get home, have dinner and be ready to settle in for bed ready for an early morning with work.
It didn’t go that way.
Nope, instead I went to make a cup of tea or coffee, not even sure which one I was planning on having now and I opened the fridge and SFA milk!!! Like literally someone left a sip or so worth of milk in the 3L bottle I'd only opened the morning before!!!
Then, the washing machine had washing in it, wet stuff from one of my daughters with a bedwetting issue. But it was from the day before - she didn’t mention it to me the day before when I got home from work. She was told she could use it the day before because I was working. She does know how to use the machine and has done plenty of times before. But no, it was sitting in my freaking washing machine, stinking it the fuck up for 24 hrs! But she wets every night, so I still have another load to go - before I can do my own work clothes!
MELTING DOWN - Sour over the freaking milk!
I started ranting at my daughter about the washing, I looked at her and realised the path I was heading. My other daughter got up and I started ranting about how she drinks all the freaking milk, and she is now banned. I feel it coursing through me, I know this is going sour quickly, the ranting, I know it’s not good, it’s not the way I should be dealing with these emotions. I know it’s going to get worse, because I’m stopping my ranting but now, I am forcing myself to STFU, I feel like no one cares about the freaking washing, the milk or how now it limited my time even more to go for a visit which would need at least 4-5 hours of my time not at home!
I tell them about these things all the time. Hygiene - sweetheart you need to get the washing done ASAP! Milk - sweetheart you need to tell me when the milk is getting low - we've had these conversations in the past, multiple times - why aren’t any of you listening?
Because I stopped myself from ranting it was then internalised. I was boiling over. It was running through me and I was going to explode. I slammed my door. I could feel I was getting violent and I needed it to stop. I went outside and had a coffee (with milk my daughter went and got) and smoked 3 cigarettes, I sent my s/o a text, telling him what was happening, so he knew I was dealing with overwhelming emotions. I told him I likely wouldn’t make it up, that if I committed to the drive it would send me in further down the rabbit hole.
I told him the things I needed to do and would focus on.
By 10 am I decided to shower, I was trying to focus on positive, so I dressed up a little, wore clothes I know my s/o would appreciate and see I was making an effort for him, I was thinking of him, nice and positive things about him. I went on with the chores I needed to do and decided to also bake something for s/o father who isn’t eating due to illness but can sometimes manage sweets.
I got my girls involved too. I needed to give them positive of me again and take the focus off not getting the washing done or waking up to no milk! No freaking milk! Stinky arse washing machine! 2 hours of washing to go!
And I guess this current bad mood is because I thought s/o understand something, but he didn’t one bit at all. So now I have to communicate it - in a healthy way. Which when on the phone prior to this vent - I was too overwhelmed to do as such.
It did go better than normal. We didn’t fight or argue.
I'd been communicating via text throughout the day of my fluctuating moods, keeping him in the loop. Told him I was baking for his father and was waiting to hear from him about bringing it up.
I had managed to turn my day around and I was proud and felt good and wanted to share that small victory I thought I had had.
But my texts had gone unanswered. I tried calling and it had gone unanswered.
I couldn’t stop the negative thoughts. I couldn’t stop the "he doesn’t even give a shit". I couldn’t stop the "he doesn’t love me".
So, by the time he called back, my mood was dark. He said he was sorry, he said he didn’t mean to make me feel that way and I was still terse, blunt, and laced with negative thought patterns, trying to shut him down.
I told him what I was feeling and as he started to apologise, I told him not to, it wasn’t his fault I was feeling like that.
He tried to be funny; but he could hear it wasn’t working. He asked what he should do, and I told him I didn’t know. I told him I was feeling shitty because I didn’t hear from him. It wouldn’t matter at this point what he says because I would just have something to bite back about.
He asked about coming over and all the sudden it's all rushing again, like this morning. Coursing through my body. Wanting to build into a violent and chaotic being. I asked quite curtly if that meant he hadn’t already planned to come over later; I realise now, an hour and a half later he is probably scared to assume he could come over in case I was hating on him (his words for my bad emotions towards him).
He knew some of what I was feeling yet he couldn’t change it, I told him it was better I got off the phone to him, because really, I could feel I was getting worse by each sentence he started, about shit I really didn’t give a crap about. But that wasn’t his fault. I was even telling myself he is just trying to distract. He is trying to change the focus here. It wasn’t working, then I start getting madder - with myself.
He is being nice, calm, and caring, trying to refocus my attention on something else knowing I can’t effectively communicate what’s happening. What my emotions are doing. What’s coursing through me.
Why can’t I let him help me refocus? Why do I allow the negative patterns to keep taking over? Why does it always taste like sour freaking milk!
I got off the phone to him, we said goodbye and talk later. I stomped around a few mins. Had a cigarette and finished a late arvo coffee. Then started writing. I feel better now. I’m not building anymore. I know why I got so upset at s/o but now I must communicate it. I have to tell him I was upset at being ignored. Or at least it felt like I was being ignored.
But how do we change that? How do I get him to realise not hearing from him sends me into chaos, how do we figure this out so I’m not always feeling chaotic and violent and rejected and taking it out on him? I’m sitting here, knowing everything he said on the phone was reasonable and yet at that moment I was not reasonably listening to him. I was not even remotely interested in any of his reasons for not seeing my texts or hearing my call.
I do feel much better now. I’m calm and content. I have spoken again with s/o and know the plans for our evening. I also know it’s a real possibility he won’t get to my house until later tonight, but we talked about it.
I spent nearly 2 and a half hours writing. It has helped immensely.
I managed to turn my sour arse around. The first time in a long time.
And yet, I don't know if I'll be able to do it again - why was I successful at turning it around today and other days the building keeps growing, the explosions keep coming? What did I do differently today?
I set tasks! That is what I think I did differently, I set tasks and even told someone else the tasks I had. Accountability? Maybe that helped with the task setting, having told someone else my plans and carrying them out.
Look, I know it's a long read, but anyone with any insight - please comment away!
This isn’t my full story; this is just my story of today.
