Jane9Senior Contributor
overprotective and possessive friends
I've had enough of my partner's overprotective sister and friends. It affects our defacto relationship of 3 years.
We have our ups and downs like a lot of couples and actually there have been a number of downs with her negative and often extremely angry/ blaming moods behind closed doors. To everyone else she's a delightful charmer. It gets me down. At times I've been a wreck but now am ok.
She's been diagnosed with bipolar and takes a bucket load of meds but through good management with her psychiatrist has held a good job for a long time and also helps others through business mentoring and volunteering. She's a capable engaged woman and I've been impressed by her skills.
I've always taken the line that we are equals and need to support each other until it's tipped with a crisis of sorts. When I was hospitalized recently for surgery she was an amazing nurse maid afterwards. I'd be prepared to do the same for her if she is ever rehospitalised with another psychotic episode. Luckily this hasn't happened yet in our relationship.
When we have problems (and she tells everyone including her beautician), her friends and sister rally around her and worry that she might spiral down and be hospitalized. After all, they were there the past 2 times, long before I came on the scene, and they were great. She calls them family.
But we are in our late 40s and I want to feel more in control of my relationship, not have a bunch of women looking out for signs of a collapse or a sister always asking me how she is when I see her, as if my partner is a child. It's never about how we are or I am and I live with her daily unpredictable moods. Once it was her sister who copped it but now I'm around and after a few years of stress, things are quite stable as she responds well to my boundary setting when I am feeling confidant enough to do that. My friends tell me that she needs to take responsibility for her behaviour and not use bipolar as am excuse for bouts of control or nastiness at times. Her friends act like she needs cajoling when they occassionally see her lose it with other people like her nephew, instead of standing up to her out of line behaviour.
It's hard enough supporting someone with a major mental illness and managing my reactions to bad behaviour without the added pressure of people thinking I'm not doing a good enough job or might even be inciting a potential problem. All I know though is that my partner says she wants me to treat her like an equal and have expectations of her as I would with any other partner. She responds well to limit setting (quite frankly her moods are so shiftable it seems more like borderline personality disorder than classic bipolar, I suppose they're related) and she is committed to our relationship. But,
I feel like she's living like a 20 something and I feel like a handbag to her singles overprotective gal pal gang.I suppose with time things might change but at the moment she has given her sister and best friend power of attorney in case she's hospitalized again and not me. How can I be a partner carer in that situation ?
Any thoughts or common situations?
We have our ups and downs like a lot of couples and actually there have been a number of downs with her negative and often extremely angry/ blaming moods behind closed doors. To everyone else she's a delightful charmer. It gets me down. At times I've been a wreck but now am ok.
She's been diagnosed with bipolar and takes a bucket load of meds but through good management with her psychiatrist has held a good job for a long time and also helps others through business mentoring and volunteering. She's a capable engaged woman and I've been impressed by her skills.
I've always taken the line that we are equals and need to support each other until it's tipped with a crisis of sorts. When I was hospitalized recently for surgery she was an amazing nurse maid afterwards. I'd be prepared to do the same for her if she is ever rehospitalised with another psychotic episode. Luckily this hasn't happened yet in our relationship.
When we have problems (and she tells everyone including her beautician), her friends and sister rally around her and worry that she might spiral down and be hospitalized. After all, they were there the past 2 times, long before I came on the scene, and they were great. She calls them family.
But we are in our late 40s and I want to feel more in control of my relationship, not have a bunch of women looking out for signs of a collapse or a sister always asking me how she is when I see her, as if my partner is a child. It's never about how we are or I am and I live with her daily unpredictable moods. Once it was her sister who copped it but now I'm around and after a few years of stress, things are quite stable as she responds well to my boundary setting when I am feeling confidant enough to do that. My friends tell me that she needs to take responsibility for her behaviour and not use bipolar as am excuse for bouts of control or nastiness at times. Her friends act like she needs cajoling when they occassionally see her lose it with other people like her nephew, instead of standing up to her out of line behaviour.
It's hard enough supporting someone with a major mental illness and managing my reactions to bad behaviour without the added pressure of people thinking I'm not doing a good enough job or might even be inciting a potential problem. All I know though is that my partner says she wants me to treat her like an equal and have expectations of her as I would with any other partner. She responds well to limit setting (quite frankly her moods are so shiftable it seems more like borderline personality disorder than classic bipolar, I suppose they're related) and she is committed to our relationship. But,
I feel like she's living like a 20 something and I feel like a handbag to her singles overprotective gal pal gang.I suppose with time things might change but at the moment she has given her sister and best friend power of attorney in case she's hospitalized again and not me. How can I be a partner carer in that situation ?
Any thoughts or common situations?
