Theres so much on my mind everyone else is asleep but I need to write things out

I had a Beautifull Christmas with family but my mind is in overdrive mode still keeping me up thinking as well as now a cough and sweating think it maybe a fever cause my legs felt soaked,had painkillers a few times but still feel warm temperature probly from overworking myself others are asleep I can hear them snoring but Im still wound up in my body and mind,thinking so much about alot of things and have to write them out,I felt overwhelmed today by the good stuff by family caring for me and just loving me as if I can handle giving to others but I cant handle them giving me their love and attention about things I need help with I kept feeling baffled surprised and a bit lost at dealing with the postive love and attention it felt too good to be true at times I wanted to cry from feeling gratefull but yeah does this make sense to anyone how is it I always overthink the good things the very things I shouldnt overthink at times lately Ive become more of a loud personality or feel maybe lost in my sense of who I am even though my family seem to love me and know me and care about me so much its hard sometimes for me to sit with certain deep emotions and let it all sink in,I felt bad today for feeling exhausted and not always feeling up for meeting the needs of those around me and yet my family they seemed to be acutely aware of my needs its emotional writting this,I love them so much but still have trouble letting my gaurd down or my anxiety getting in the way of things that their trying to talk to me about,invite me and teach me and asking if Im ok or not type scenarios maybe Im afraid that if I let them so much they might not actually love who I am or something like that,Im being too self proctective when all their trying to do is love and support me which is weird and also I keep having self doubt and yet my family is literally telling me yes you can do what makes you happy,yes its ok to visit because you are sincerley welcome to visit,yes you can stay over on christmas night its ok,yes you can have what you need,I feel like crying right now,it seems too much to have them care so much also its like two family members in particular my two older cousins on both sides are acting like older brothers to me,Ill help you out practicically is one cousins goal and the other is seeming to be inviting,your welcome to visit anytime and Im like hesitating and saying are you sure,really ,it is ok,I can do this ect all the self doubt is coming from me not them,I feel bad that I could have been rejecting one cousin in particular because I was feeling self doubt about their invitation and I geuss felt so surprised about the things I shouldnt feel surprised about I mean why am I doubting that family does want to spend time with me ,why am I doubting their words to me,dont I want to receive the things their trying to give back to me emotionally and their time and practically ect maybe its hard for me to convince myself of being a valuable person to those around me ,ended up thinking tonight that hang on a minute they wouldnt be doing all these good things and saying all these good things if they didnt really care but they do so that means they do care so how is that so hard for me to understand and accept? too much anxiety in my brain how is it so hard to let others love me the same way I love them ? dont get me wrong Im so gratefull just hard to let them be who I know I need them to be to me I need older cousins who are like older brothers to give me a sense of security and protection knowing theyve got my back if I need them to be there and to just learn to kick back and not take life so seriously but also to help me be self relient and emotionally thick skinned to deal with tough situations and to yeah just have protective men in my life instead of untrustworthy men ,I may need to talk to lifeline about all this honestly how does my family put up with me