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What do you do when your advice/support doesn't land?

Unknown userMember22 Dec 2020, 8:10 pm AEDT

What do you do when your advice/support doesn't land?

Someone I know is having a very hard time this Christmas. She's a single/separated parent, and she doesn't get to see her kids on the day. So she's been upset lately, writing about it on Instagram. "I didn't sign up to be a part time mother."

I offered my support, and recommended that she still celebrate when she gets her kids back. I said "although this sounds kind of silly, you can kind of pretend it's Christmas. 'We're so cool, we get two Christmases!' We do the same thing at home with birthdays!"

Unfortunately, she didn't reply 😂. I think part of the problem was that I have no idea what I am talking about (what she's going through), so I sounded a bit dismissive. It's always a bit of a risk that you run, when you try to help, that it doesn't quite take the way you want it to. Besides, when you're hurting, everything people say only seems to make things worse.

That's a little bit sad, though.. I didn't mean it.

3 replies

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In response to: What do you do when your advice/support doesn't land?

BowSenior Contributor22 Dec 2020, 8:49 pm AEDT

Re: What do you do when your advice/support doesn't land?

It’s a hard one @Former-Member as a single mum who will one day have to experience this... I’m still fortunate enough to have 100% care and haven’t missed a Christmas morning yet, but have every possibility of it happening next year, it’s really hard. I grieve it already if that is possible. And as your friend said I didn’t sign up to be a part time mum. It was my ex’s choice to do what he did and break our family up.

What you said is what I plan to do when that time comes. But maybe your friend just isn’t ready to hear anything at the moment, she may be too deep in her grief. Check in with her, let her know you are thinking of her and if she is alone this Christmas invite her to be with you.

In response to: What do you do when your advice/support doesn't land?

asdfgeSenior Contributor23 Dec 2020, 12:31 am AEDT

Re: What do you do when your advice/support doesn't land?

@Former-Member I am sorry to hear that you did not hear back from your friend. In the past, I have also reached out to people before, including close friends, who I thought that I could offer advice to. And some of my ideas were shut-down in ways that seemed thoughtless and hurtful. When I explained these scenarios to others, they gave insight into the fact that sometimes people need support, rather than solutions to the struggles they have to deal with. But it is clear that you were sensitive to her emotions. I hope that whatever happens, sorts itself out soon. Have a nice Christmas 🎄

In response to: What do you do when your advice/support doesn't land?

TideisTurningSenior Contributor23 Dec 2020, 10:19 am AEDT

Re: What do you do when your advice/support doesn't land?

Hi @Former-Member, for me, there's a difference between advice and support, and as others have said, sometimes, all I need is for someone to sit with me, to listen and be with me. I've had friends unintentionally come off as dismissive when they've just been trying to help- when I've been able to talk to them and let them know about the impact of the particular approach they'd taken, it can open up a conversation about how we might be able to support each other when one of us is struggling. It's brave and it can often feel scary, but I've usually found it to be worth it.

I love @Bow's suggestion of inviting her to be with you too- I know people in similar situations, separated from their kids sometimes and distraction, being given other things to do and places to be helps them get through. Whatever happens, I hope you and your friend have a good Christmas 😊

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