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A hole to crawl into

saltandpepperSenior Contributor22 Dec 2020, 7:05 pm AEDT

A hole to crawl into

Pause or skip. That'd be nice. Pause the sh*t storm to catch a breath or skip ahead a month or two. Pause to make sense of it all. Skip because I can't.

I've always feared being abandoned, and it doesn't take a genius to figure out why. Despite knowing, I've never really been able to reason with those fears. Now, they're in full swing, those fears. With my partner leaving, then coming back, just afraid I'm going to be waiting around until they leave again. It's always been a fear, but now it's no longer a fear, a possibility, a real possibility.

Christmas is hard enough, and I'd counted on getting through it with the support of my partner. Now, not so much. I just cant imagine facing what's coming without support. Feeling alone like I never have before. Feeling empty, worthless, and I just know I'm going to take another emotional beating at Christmas. Not from my partner--at least I hope--no the regular family bullsh*t. Though this year it's not going to be so regular. Finding out the things I have... I don't even know how to look at this person, let alone pretend to be pleasant like usual.

Just feels all too much too soon. There's no breathing room and I just want to crawl into a hole and stay there for a while. I'm exhausted, mentally, and it's taking everything I have to just function--albeit not very well. I just want a hole to crawl into. I don't know what I need to do to process this or how to go about moving forward. And I've been fighting so hard not to give in to those cravings, but I don't think I can this time. Day drinking is obviously not acceptable, so back to smoking it is. The alternative isn't great, right? If I need a smoke and it's going to get me through the day, then that's better than this, right? I'll feel so guilty though, but then at the same time I feel like saying "well, fu*k you" Only reason I quit was for my partner, doesn't seem to hold the same weight for me now. You can't walk out like that and have a leg to stand on if you wanna have a go about me smoking again. I just need something to help me get through the day. It's too much. Too much sh*t. Just want to hide away from everything for a while.

2 replies

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In response to: A hole to crawl into

LostandlifelessContributor23 Dec 2020, 8:02 am AEDT

Re: A hole to crawl into

Hey. I totes understand. Although I'm a little claustrophobic to seek a hole but I definitely have the urge to be rid of everything and everyone. Its all too much. My mental destination is in the bush somewhere far from anyone or anything.

Im sick of people saying to breath. That it will all get better. For me it just isn't true. Something inside me says that it's the world and the people in it that are the cause.and I cant change either one of those things. If I can just get away from it all, I'll naturally calm down because there will be no one letting me down, running me down, leaving me, judging me, using me, manipulating me, hanging their responsibilities on me, lying to me, cheating on me, convincing me to love them only to break my heart... the only way to cope is to grab that smoke, grab that food, grab that grog, grab those drugs... and I know its wrong. I know its harmful and in the end does no good. But it's a f**king reprieve from the daily torment that is this f**ckery we call life!

So dont beat yourself up. Youre entitled to feel your feelings and you deserve to find your reprieve. Maybe a psychiatrist or psychologist or doctor can find alternative methods but from my experience they rely on drugs that have pretty bad side effects too. Im on one that often causes liver failure in quite a quick time. But hey, prescription is better than Street, right?

I probably shouldn't be talking to you. Im not the most positive person. Id probably just bring you down? Soz

In response to: A hole to crawl into

TideisTurningSenior Contributor23 Dec 2020, 10:37 am AEDT

Re: A hole to crawl into

I'm sorry to hear you're struggling so much @saltandpepper. I imagine it'd feel overwhelming when you thought you'd have this support, only to have it not there/ available anymore. If you need to take some time out for yourself to feel everything you're feeling, that's ok- I often find it really helpful to be able to let it out and I've found it really important to give myself permission to do that, to feel it and let it out.

If you feel like you might like a little company to get you through, there are quite a few Christmas threads you could join here on the Forums if you'd like to- you might find like minded members sharing in your struggle on the Christmas, the Sad Side thread or if you're feeling a little more in the spirit, you might like to check out the Christmas Table thread or share your wishes and hopes for Christmas and the new year. There's also a thread with ideas for activities like movies, baking and craft if you're in the mood to do something like that.

Whatever you decide to do, take care and be kind to yourself.

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