New to dating someone with BPD

Hi @Former-Member & welcome to the Forums! 👋😊 That's great that you're trying to figure out how you can be the most support to her. For me, I find it the most helpful when people ask what they might be able to do- often, I've got ideas, and based on how I feel, this can allow me to guide the person toward the kind of support that will be the most beneficial and helpful for me in the moment. I've also found it helpful to have conversations with supportive loved ones when I'm not in crisis mode- this

Apart from that, you may like to check out this thread for more on BPD and I'll also tag a few members who may have more insights & wisdom to share @BPDSurvivor @BlueBay @Owlunar @Andrab @Bow @Anastasia

Hi - I totally understand your concerns and am also hoping to get some guidance from replies to your questions, as have a daughter with BPD.

When my daughter cancels plans with me due to anxiety or depression, aside from offering to help in any way I can, the only response I get from her is that she just wants to be on her own for the day to sit it out (or sleep it out) and that she'll be in touch later that night and for me to leave her alone. This of course makes me feel pretty useless, so I tend to overthink what she may be experiencing and what caused/triggered it. I know that when she has days like this, that she likes to sleep and zone out listening to music. Recently she's also started going to the gym and having PT sessions 3 times a week -which has helped enourmously with the depression.

I'm sorry I don't have any advice, but just wanted to let you know that you're not alone with your way of thinking/analysing the situation, so hopefully we'll get some advice by way of replies.

Hi @Former-Member ,

Thanks for your post. It definitely sounds like you are entering unchartered territory, and these forums are a great way to open up to some of these questions.

I have lived with BPD for over 15 years now. It can be rocky in terms of relationships. Boundaries and open communication are the two main essentials when dealing with pwBPD. Do what you say, and say what you do.

A mistake commonly made is over contacting or msging someone with BPD to make sure they are ok. It tends to make them dependent on this type of 'care' which means it can potentially drain and suck the life out of you. NOT HEALTHY. I suggest make regular contact at the same time/s each day. If you can't contact for whatever reason, PLEASE let her know. Contact times should be made in collaboration with her.

Please @Former-Member , set yourself boundaries. Don't over visit. Don't over contact. It makes us dependent. As much as I sometimes want the full attn and care from people, boundaries is what keeps me secure. Also, don't take abuse. When we rage, we say things we don't mean. We do things we regret. When emotional, angry or upset, tell her you will give her space tell her when you'll come back to see how she is. There's no point trying to reason with an angry BPD - doesn't work.

All the best! This sounds rocky, but believe me, pwBPD can be the most caring and compassionate people. You can gain a lot being with someone with BPD - as long as you have the skills to do so.

Continue to reach out as needed. Tag me in if you wish so I don't miss your messages.

Cheers,

BPDSurvivor

@TideisTurning , thanks for the tag!

Hi @Andrab ,

Your daughter is right. Give her space. When things are tough, that's exactly what I do - sleep it off. I become a new person once I've slept it off.

For me, if someone kept trying to ask me if I was okay or why I was upset, I'd end up worse.

Does your daughter have a therapist?

BPDSurvivor

Thanks for all the replies and support.

I had a bad conversation last night over a phonecall with the girl, I have personally been in a few bad relationships where mind games and drama were involved, it did a lot of damage to me and how I act and react to the partner in a relationship. I wanted to approach this relationship being as honest as possible. It has mostly been a relief, however I mentioned to her I don't feel myself to be a strong emotional support person for her, as I often feel weighed down by emotions myself...

I said I am new to dealing with BPD and it seems hard to be supportive when I often deal with my own issues. It wasn't taken well in the conversation and she froze up and went silent. I know this is a BPD trait, well of what I have heard.

I think she heavily misunderstood me trying to be honest, as me wanting to end things. She couldn't respond and I couldn't say something reassuring to help, I tried to explain over message with her that I am second guessing myself and I think it just made everything worse.

@BPDSurvivor Thankyou, I try not to be too intense with messaging and I work somewhat a busy schedule so there are quite a big chunk of the day where I am not in contact with her and it's never been an issue so far. But I will keep the schedule thing in the back of the mind, we tend to message the same hours during the morning and night. We had a bad Sunday and I was wanting some time to be alone, and I think she was concerned so she offered to ring, then all the ...honesty came out, you said the same advice to @Andrab that sometimes it's best to sleep these things off. I think that's good advice for everyone feeling weighed down with emotions, not just those with BPD

Dear BPDSurvivor,

Whilst I've asked my daughter to see a therapist a number of times over the last 7mths, she firstly said she wanted to do it on her own, then Melbourne went into lockdown and her reasoning was that she didn't want to do therapy via zoom and now she says that the Gym sessions with the PT are doing enough.

I'm guessing that to try and also fit in a weekly therapy session, with the PT and from next week a part time job, that to do all at the same time would be overwhelming. It's a bit of a catch 22 situation, as she definitely needs the part time job and the PT sessions have been prepaid for another 6 weeks.

I don't want to nag, but ideally I'd love it for her to do therapy. Do you think it would be worthwhile for me to join a DBT or CBT group - specifically for BPD, so that I can learn some of the skills and somehow pass them on, or do you think I should just stay right out of it?

Hi @Former-Member ,

Would you like an honest interpretation of what you said from a borderline's perspective?

---

@Former-Member wrote:

I mentioned to her I don't feel myself to be a strong emotional support person for her, as I often feel weighed down by emotions myself...

I said I am new to dealing with BPD and it seems hard to be supportive when I often deal with my own issues. It wasn't taken well in the conversation and she froze up and went silent. I know this is a BPD trait, well of what I have heard.

You are on the right track. She would have misunderstood what you were trying to say as the very words "I don't feel myself to be a strong emotional support person for her" would have made her emotionally withdraw, become cold and stop talking. Then, after this, anything you say won't change the fact that you can't help her and in her mind, you will leave her. Now every opportunity she may seek 'evidence' to prove you are trying to withdraw yourself even if it is not true.

I can hear you are asking, "so what do I do?" Well, first thing, put it out on the table and explain you are NOT trying to leave her, but you wanted to be honest that you yourself have issues to deal with and as much as you'd like to always be able to support her, you will also have downers. You can even ask her straight out, whether she misunderstood you yesterday.

What NOT to do: don't brush it under the carpet and think she will 'get over it'. She won't. Leaving it will only make thoughts fester in her mind.

Continue to be open. You made a step in the right direction in being honest and open. It is now about learning HOW to speak to pwBPD.

Once again, I'd like to re-iterate, it is worth it. Borderlines are like emotional babies who have not yet grown up. They will require the help and support to 'grow up'. It takes time, but once they are over the 'baby stage', it is unlikely they'll go back.

I didn't emotionally 'grow up' until I was in my 30s. It took a lot of work and commitment on my part as well as a dedicated treatment team for which I am forever grateful.

Keep us in the loop @Former-Member !

BPDSurvivor

@Andrab

Hi @Andrab ,

All good and well that your daughter has got a PT and seems to be doing better. In reality, it may be helping her depression but it also acts as 'avoidance' in terms of tackling the ups and downs of BPD.

For some pwBPD, they keep extremely busy so as to not feel the emotions that come with BPD, or to not have the opportunity to be triggered by staying less busy. I'm quite a culprit of this. It seems like it works for a while, but once the busy-ness stops, a borderline falls apart. They are not confronted with the dreaded 'feelings'!

DBT will help your daughter tremendously - IF she is willing to commit to it and work on it. I don't recommend you to do the training on her behalf because it doesn't work like that. Being present in the individual and group DBT training sessions allows one to practise the skills and strategies targeted for BPD. However, if you have your own therapist, it is good to discuss the issues of being a carer for someone with BPD.

While the PT and gym activity is working, leave her to continue it. In the background just gently remind her to seek a DBT training group because waitlists are extrmely long. When the time comes and she is accepted into the training but does not feel she needs it, she can cancel then.

This gives you and her a bit of a safety net because the PT and gym may work for a while but in the long run, BPD needs targeted treatment.

I hope this makes sense.

BPDSurvivor

Thank you so much for your support and advice - it has been incredibly helpful and insightful.

I had been seeing a therapist myself for the last 9 mths, but she never wanted me to talk about my daughter and her BPD. Her guidance was to set boundaries and if they weren't kept, then my daughter would have to deal with the consequences. Unfortunatley, what was happening that I too was having to deal with the consequences or when boundaries weren't adhered to!. Anyway - that's another issue.

I'm in total agreement with you in regard to the "keeping busy" behaviour being avoidant. If you're too busy, you're too busy to feel and dwell . DBT is definitely the answer and I will try to get her onto a waiting list.

Thankyou BPDSurvivor for all your help - greatly appreciated

Hi @Andrab ,

Often, therapists want you to focus on yourself during sessions and hence may not want you to speak about your daughter and her BPD. However, I think it is good to open up to the fact that you need guidance around being a carer for someone with BPD. Handling pwBPD can be quite challenging - it seems we have different takes on things. DBT will support your daughter to understand the 3 minds: emotional mind, rational mind and the wise mind.

For me, when I find myself using only the emotional mind, I've taught myself to throw some rational thinking into it. Similarly, when I find myself using only the rational mind, I turn to throwing some emotional thinking into it. This gives us the balance of the wise mind.

A borderline will often find themselves living in the emotional mind. DBT will teach the skills required to transition to the wise mind.

I myself have not done the full DBT treatment programme, but have benefitted from individual DBT skills training. However, this type of therapy was not beneficial until AFTER I completed a full round of 18 months of MBT (mentalisation-based therapy). MBT was full-on, but it has made a remarkable difference.

All the best @Andrab !

Please ask if you have any other questions.

BPDSurvivor