Hi @EternalFlower,
What you are going through does sound extreme and debilitating, especially that it's been a daily, recurring scenario depriving you of sleep. It must be agonising you poor thing.
Since you are experiencing something so traumatic every night, the fear and anxiety you feel as night approaches, I'd imagine would escalate. That anxiety and fear of what's to come would be triggering so much trauma, then the trauma turns into real scenarios playing out in your mind. Sorry, I'm just trying to put myself in your shoes imagining a sense of the cycle of events, so correct me if I'm wrong.
My understanding of trauma and triggers is that it is very easy to become overwhelmed and fearful of what is pumped through our minds. Which can trap us in a very traumatic, anxious, fearful state.
With triggers, I think daily habits play a part in creating and breaking some of these triggers. You may not even realise what triggers you, but things as simple as moving furniture in your bedroom, changing the blinds, creating a lighter environment are beneficial. Clearing, organising and changing your environment can work wonders. Even creating smells with candles and oils. I've seen this before with people I've helped that have had schizophrenia, anxiety tics, depression, trauma triggers, etc. This works for myself too.
I wasn't getting the sleep I needed either and this played a major, major role in my decline. Sleep is the most important repair that every GP should be recommending 1st and giving you tools to ensure good sleep repair. I'm on an anti-psychotic sedative, it's working really well for sleep repair and because I'm getting sleep, my mind is repairing well through the day. I'm still recovering, but the benefits of sleep have been improving my situation daily. I'm not suggesting and anti-psychotic, but a good sleeping tablet (if you haven't already tried) will knock you out. I take it an hour before bedtime so I become drowsy and look forward to sleeping. Don't take it too late because the thoughts can start running and sometimes I've thought my way though the meds effects not getting the hours of sleep I need. You may have tried this already, I'm just throwing out suggestions until you can get proper medical guidance.
As real as our mind makes things appear, just know that they are not reality. Our mind is so powerful at influencing our day to day life. So when we aren't in control of our minds at times, the results can be catastrophic. Please remember through that our will is the most powerful thing we have, more powerful than what runs through our minds. Sometimes we can't get the medical or psychological help we need at the time we need it, honestly it takes a while to get the right help. This means we have to work on ourselves the best we can in the meantime. You've done exactly that by reaching out here and seeking some kind of help and guidance.
It's hard to know everything that goes into your daily cycle, but I hope I've managed to relate a bit with your problems. The stage of seeking help when in crisis leaves us feeling most desperate and desolate, but please know that there is always a way out of our troubles. Sooner or later we find the right help. Keep reaching out, keep seeing mental health professionals, keep talking to the right people. Talking and relating can be the most healing at times.
I really hope your situation improves, I was feeling for you last night!
Also, the biggest tool I use to keep my mind distracted from turning life into negatives, is music. I listen to it from when I wake up, through the day, as I fall asleep. This with positve, constructive podcasts feeds my mind with the right stuff. Just implementing nice, nostalgic music at night that takes you back to good times in your life can change a mindset, creating calm. I guage each night. If I'm feeling low and depressed, I'll even put a podcast of constructive positivity on, it literally feeds my mind the good stuff and I drift off pretty quickly. If your past is not nostalgic, then maybe music that helps you dream of a better future may be more beneficial. Silence can be a killer, the mind wonders so much. Music throughout the day and evening literally creates atmosphere which can transform our moods and habits through the day. A daily task can become fun because the music takes the mind to a nice place. I use music with the kids everyday and to put them to sleep, it is the most effective tool I could possibly use. Sounds bizarre, but along with sleep, I would say music for me and my family is most important.
Again, sorry if this doesn't help, I thought I just share some knowledge and tools from my experience and what has helped bring me and my family to a better stage in life.
It will get better!💜
