Nightmares, Christmas and Sh....t cyclones

Been.having nightmares for two nights in a row now, but it is not just one or two. They run can mcurrently. Just keep going on and on. It involves many people from my past. They are not unusual.for me to have. I've had enough. It's just too much.

Now it's Christmas and every year since 2013, I lost my my Christmas spirit. Just have no interest. I put up a tree on the 1st. Not fair to my partner if I didn't. Depression started to hit on the 2nd. Now, I'm just losing interest. It's just another day and no big deal anymore. I feel very little joy.

This year, is the first year I am having to deal with absolutely no contact with any family as I cut all contact last year on December 1st. I decided to not buy my niece a Christmas present and send it. Don't see much point in it anymore. She will get so much anyway and thanks to my sister, I've really been pushed out of her life. Not my decision. If she ever wakes up to herself and chooses to take responsibility, it is only then that she will see she created the mess for herself. I'm.never ever going to clean up.anybodys mess again.

I'm heavily depressed. There's other stuff going on too on top.of this. There are many days that come where I don't want to fulfil my responsibilities I have that involve anyone else. I just want to do me.

The sh....t cyclones is what I call it, it's not a storm, it's a cyclone.

For anyone considering recommending or asking that I speak to a psychologist, don't. That's my boundary.

I'd like to sort this out how this suits me. Coming here and talking suits me, thanks.